VBVW for October 26, 2006

• The Very Best

Face Transplants.
The UK’s National Health Service approved a request by surgeons at London’s Royal Free Hospital to perform the world’s first complete face transplant. Partial transplants have been done in France and China, but the Brits will pull ahead with a transplant that goes from chin to hairline. No patient has been selected, although nearly three dozen have applied. Now all those whiny ethicists who think that giving disfigured medical patients a new face is a bad idea can go and get themselves a new rectum into which they can insert their skulls.

Enron Justice.
It’s been almost five years since the implosion of Enron, which took down one of the biggest companies in the U.S. as well as the life savings of thousands of employees and stockholders. Jeffrey Skilling, the mastermind behind this little bit of obscene corruption, was given 24 years and 4 months in prison for being a severely bad human being. True to his nature, he appeared nonplussed, and still couldn’t believe anyone thought he was guilty. Skilling’s wife sobbed at the trial. His new wife in prison will probably not be nearly as emotional. Or as female. We wish Jeff all the Very Best.

The Stock Market soars.
Doesn’t matter if you own any stock or not. A happy stock market means a happier economy–or at least the perception of a happier economy (which to economists can mean the same thing). The Dow Jones Industrial average closed at 12,163 on Thursday, an all-time high. The Nasdaq hits its highest level in nearly 6 years, and the Standard & Poors 500 also hit a 6 year high. At least when the market is rising, people don’t stand on the ledges of their office buildings wondering what it would feel like to hit the ground at terminal velocity. ADDED BONUS: former SEC chief Richard Grasso has been ordered to give back about $100 million of pay that he scammed.

• The Very Worst

Major League Cheating.
Once again, overpaid professional athletes are embroiled in accusations of cheating and breaking the rules–anything to get ahead. This week, Kenny Rogers had pine tar on his hand in the first inning of his defeat of the St. Louis Cardinals. Network cameras captured the shiny gunk on his palm, and even found footage of the stuff on his hand from earlier in the post-season. Don’t tell us it was dirt, Kenny. We may not make millions of dollars playing a sport that kids play for free, but even we know that dirt isn’t shiny. Fact is, he pitched better when he finally removed the stuff. What a fine role model and inspiration to our nation’s youth. Just like Sammy Sosa. Or Barry Bonds. Or Jose Canseco. Or . . .

Climate Changing.
Several island nations in the Pacific, notably Tuvalu and Kiribati, have warned the rest of the world that their citizens will have to be permanently relocated in the next several years due to global warning. These nations sit just a few feet above sea level, and are losing land due to rising oceans caused by global warming. It is expected that over the next decade residents will have to migrate to nearby countries like Australia and New Zealand. That’s sure to be a well-organized mass exodus of several hundred thousand terrified refugees.

Rush Limbaugh.
Even on a good day, Rush is a loudmouth, drug-taking dick who’s managed to weasel out of more legal hassles than Courtney Love and Bobby Brown combined. If he were black, he’d already have a husband in his cell in Attica (maybe Jeff Skilling?). Instead, he’s on the air bashing Michael J. Fox for “exaggerating” the effects of Parkinson’s disease in order to call attention to the need for stem cell research. The fact that Fox’s appeals are in support of Democratic candidates pisses Rush off to no end, so he took a few swipes at Michael J. to boost his ratings. We’re all for free speech, but it’s time for the pill-popper to start thinking about a new medication . . . Vioxx, maybe?