VBVW reports on the Very Best and Very Worst of everything. Every week. VBVW Books are on the way.

News: Cold hearts and Cold Wars

VBVW for November 24, 2006

• The Very Best

Reviled publisher and ex-Bernard Kerik mistress Judith Regan was forbidden by her boss Rupert Murdoch from publishing her beloved O.J. Simpson book. One can only hope this rare shaming of the shameless hails the demise of a publisher who has been working tirelessly to dumb-down America. The first black market copies of Simpson’s book reportedly sold for about $15,000, providing a clear example of the morally bankrupt culture Regan has championed.

Democrats in Congress distanced themselves from N.Y. Senator Charlie Rangel’s call to reinstate the military draft. Rangel, soon to be chairman of the House Ways And Means Committee, believes that a draft will make lawakers think twice about getting involved in war. Charlie apparently forgot that there was a draft during the Civil War. And the War of 1812. And World War I. And World War II. And the Korean War. And Vietnam. Yes, the draft will definitely keep us from going to war.

The Human Genome Project has developed a new method for mapping human DNA. Scientists around the world collaborated on the new system, which promises to reveal why some people are susceptible to diseases like coronary heart disease, AIDS, and psoriasis while others have the genetic fortitude of Keith Richards.

• The Very Worst

Britain put its crack anti-terrorism police unit on the case of a former Russian spy who died after being fed radioactive polonium-210. Alexander Litvinenko was an outspoken critic of President Putin’s government tactics, and Litvinenko’s friends alledge that his death was a Kremlin-sanctioned assassination. With this kind of Cold War cloak-and-dagger dealing back in the news, you have to wonder if it’s just a clever marketing tie-in for the new James Bond movie.

The government of the Netherlands introduced a bill banning any woman from wearing a burqa in public. The stated reason is that burqas disturb public order, citizens, and safety by concealing identities in these terrorist times. Trumping that rationale is the fact that the Dutch are still reeling from the murder of a prominent filmmaker by Islamic extremists. And look what happened in neighboring Denmark when cartoons of Mohammed were published in a local paper. Here’s hoping the Dutch citizens are all stocking up on Kevlar vests and avoiding public transportation.

In 2005, Americans were defrauded of $750 million by email scams originating in Nigeria. In these “advance fee” scams, an email or fax offers the recipient an opportunity to make millions. The mark is then told to send bank details or cash to pay off corrupt officials. Which, amazingly, many people do. Next thing they know, their bank account reads $0. Oh-so-bright Americans were played for more money than any other country. Come on, people—do you really believe there are corrupt officials in a West African nation?

News: A few good men, a few not

VBVW for November 17, 2006

• The Very Best

The Marine Reserves had the good sense to decline an offer by the one2believe company to donate 4,000 Bible-quoting Jesus dolls to their Toys for Tots program. Nothing makes an underprivileged kid smile like a lil’ proselytizing, and these mini-missionaries spread the message of brotherly love (”Whoever believes in him shall not perish”). No word yet on whether the line of dolls will someday include Babbling Buddha (”Make like you’re not here”) or Complaining Moses (”What, this has mayonnaise?”).

The American College of Cardiology announced a new project to provide better medical care to emergency room patients suffering major heart attacks. The intent is to use angioplasty—shoving a tube up through the groin to the problem area—to unblock arteries within 90 minutes of arrival. Waiting any longer than that increases the risk of dying in the ER by almost 50 percent, unless you’re treated by that hunky George Clooney.

In a one-two kick through the glass ceiling, Ségolène Royal was chosen as the French Socialist Party’s candidate for president while Nancy Pelosi was elected the first ever female Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. This puts both women within mere heartbeats of running their respective countries. Hopefully these mothers (they both have kids) will have the balls to make some serious changes in the way those countries are run.

• The Very Worst

The Government of Turkmenistan discovered a “super giant” field of 7 trillion cubic meters of natural gas. Great. There goes any reason for the U.S. government to pursue alternate energy sources. Now all we have to do is get a map and figure out where Turkmenistan is so we can invade it.

Eddie Van Halen needs someone he can talk to. Perhaps a guidance counselor. After struggling for the past decade to get his band back on track, the world’s greatest living rock guitarist announced that he’s finally found the right man to take VH back to the top: his 15 year-old son, Wolfgang. Van Halen and drummer brother Alex tossed out original bassist Michael Anthony after almost 30 years for being too friendly with Sammy Hagar and put the Mini Me in place. Truly, hard rock is reaching for a defibrillator.

No ifs, ands or buts . . . The Fox Network and ReganBooks are accomplices in promoting O.J. Simpson’s new tell-all book, which should have been titled This Is Exactly How I Did It. In addition, both companies, part of Rupert Murdoch’s media empire, are lining O.J.’s pockets for his time and effort. Like he went to a lot of trouble remembering how he killed his ex-wife. NOV 20 UPDATE: Well, lookee here. On Monday, Nov 20, amid huge backlash, Murdoch and company decided to pull the plug on the O.J. show and also canceled publication of the book. Did the media gain a conscience or just realize the profit margin wouldn’t be so killer after all? We may never know.

News: Haggard, Thumped, and Speared

VBVW for November 10, 2006

• The Very Best

Ted Haggard’s admission of a fondness for gay prostitutes and crystal meth might be considered a Very Worst for some, but not us. In fact, it couldn’t be better. Pastor Ted’s mea culpa exposes the hypocrisy of those on the far right, and in the moral majority, who seek to punish every sinner except themselves or their family-values-approved loved ones. Haggard’s flock forgives him for fighting his demons, but apparently he paid his demons a pretty good hourly rate. If only his followers could be so forgiving of those who don’t lie and deceive others about their lifestyles. And here’s one to think about: if the religious right really thinks being gay is a choice, is there anyone on the planet in a better position than Haggard to have chosen NOT to be gay?

After a decade of war in Nepal that left over 13,000 dead, Maoist rebels agreed to a peace deal that may actually yield a multiparty democracy (be careful what you wish for, Bhanubhakta). The tiny country, which is the birthplace of Buddha, was already one of the world’s poorest places when the insurgency sent it spiraling ever further from economic Nirvana. While the Nepalese celebrate peace, they are still plagued by a question that predates their civil war: Did Bob Seger ever really go to Kathmandu, or did it just make for a jackass rhyme?

The Democrats take back the House. Guess what? Even diehard Republicans think this is a good thing. It’s time that George Dubya and Dick “Shoot ‘Em Up” Cheney realized the country is not their personal playground. Thus, the balance of power, or at least some semblance of it, has been restored to the US government. Asked how they would untangle the Iraq clusterfuck—the platform on which Democrats won both House and Senate—eleven newly elected Dems were quoted as saying, “Uhhhhhh . . . hoo boy . . . can we get back to you on that?”

• The Very Worst

Daniel Ortega gets to move back into his old house. A lot of you won’t remember, but Ortega was one of the guys in Nicaragua that the U.S. tried to topple during the infamous Iran-Contra scandal. Ortega’s guerillas were fighting the Contras, and Ronald Reagan didn’t like that. Well, just like a bad “Nightmare On Elm Street” sequel (okay, they’re all bad), Danny’s back to terrorize Latin America. The original Sandinista has been re-elected president of Nicaragua, running on the same “No More Bush” theme that worked so well for Nancy Pelosi.

The divorce of Britney Spears and Jethro Bodine made headlines nationwide, reemphasizing our nation’s interest in the inane and irrelevant.

China’s total trade surplus with the rest of the world has reached a record $133.6 billion for the first 10 months of 2006, already exceeding the $102 billion surplus for all of 2005. With an investment boom in Beijing, the rest of the world has found it impossible to compete with cheap Chinese exports, and buys anything the Chinese make. You know what the Chinese do import from other countries? Waste and scrap metal. Even when they’re buying garbage, their cheap labor and cheaper currency still spin it into gold.

News: Barker, booze and trailer parks

VBVW for November 3, 2006

• The Very Best

Every dog has his day. And this is it, thanks to Bob Barker announcing his retirement. Pets everywhere patted their crotches and sighed in relief on Tuesday when Barker, who began his career in 1956 hosting Truth Or Consequences, said he will not come on down in 2007. At the conclusion of every airing of The Price Is Right, Barker reminds viewers to have their dogs and cats spayed or neutered. The party in the pound is already in full swing.

American law enforcement agencies haven’t played nice together since 1963, when they got together to assassinate JFK. But now governmental and local law enforcement have developed Intellipedia, a resource for logging and sharing gathered intelligence. The technology is based on Wikipedia and similar web services that school kids have been using for years. The privileged-access resource allows the CIA, FBI and others to share the kind of intelligence that may have prevented such tragedies as the attack on the Cole and the success of Dancing With The Stars.

If you’re a drunkard and fat as a Sumo, we have even more good news for you. Harvard Medical School and The National Institute on Aging have discovered that heavy doses of red-wine extract given to obese mice helped the little pests live longer. The research dangles the prospect of living a longer life without having to diet or exercise. Plus, you’d be lit all the time. The wine extract, called Resveratrol, has worked so well on couch-potato mice that scientists are ready to try it on monkeys before trying it on humans. But where on this good earth will they ever find wine-loving slugs willing to be force-fed a nice cabernet? Researchers, please contact these candidates.

• The Very Worst

In the ancient Greek myth of Oedipus Rex, our hero unknowingly kills his father and marries his mother. The tragedy yields a timeless lesson about self-awareness and respect for family. In Albertville, Alabama, 19-year-old Gary Helms, Jr. was arrested for raping his mother while she was passed out, reportedly to get revenge on his brother. The attack yields a modern day lesson about living south of the Mason-Dixon and looking for tail inside one’s own double-wide. Oh Junior, you rascal.

One thing the Dems should have figured out two years ago is never to let John Kerry ad lib. “The wooden one” drifted from a script that was supposed to blast President Bush and essentially told his college audience to get good grades so they wouldn’t have to go off to Iraq with all the kids from the short bus. Kerry wouldn’t apologize but backpedaled faster than Floyd Landis during a random drug test.

No more sushi? A paper published in the journal Science predicts that there will be no more seafood in the ocean by 2048. Currently, the fishing industry catches some 7,784 different species, not counting baby whales. Yet, human-inflicted aquatic nastiness such as pollution and overfishing is wiping out fish species at a remarkable pace. At this rate, Chicken Of The Sea™ will actually have to be made of chicken.