VBVW for November 17, 2006

• The Very Best

The Marine Reserves had the good sense to decline an offer by the one2believe company to donate 4,000 Bible-quoting Jesus dolls to their Toys for Tots program. Nothing makes an underprivileged kid smile like a lil’ proselytizing, and these mini-missionaries spread the message of brotherly love (”Whoever believes in him shall not perish”). No word yet on whether the line of dolls will someday include Babbling Buddha (”Make like you’re not here”) or Complaining Moses (”What, this has mayonnaise?”).

The American College of Cardiology announced a new project to provide better medical care to emergency room patients suffering major heart attacks. The intent is to use angioplasty—shoving a tube up through the groin to the problem area—to unblock arteries within 90 minutes of arrival. Waiting any longer than that increases the risk of dying in the ER by almost 50 percent, unless you’re treated by that hunky George Clooney.

In a one-two kick through the glass ceiling, Ségolène Royal was chosen as the French Socialist Party’s candidate for president while Nancy Pelosi was elected the first ever female Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. This puts both women within mere heartbeats of running their respective countries. Hopefully these mothers (they both have kids) will have the balls to make some serious changes in the way those countries are run.

• The Very Worst

The Government of Turkmenistan discovered a “super giant” field of 7 trillion cubic meters of natural gas. Great. There goes any reason for the U.S. government to pursue alternate energy sources. Now all we have to do is get a map and figure out where Turkmenistan is so we can invade it.

Eddie Van Halen needs someone he can talk to. Perhaps a guidance counselor. After struggling for the past decade to get his band back on track, the world’s greatest living rock guitarist announced that he’s finally found the right man to take VH back to the top: his 15 year-old son, Wolfgang. Van Halen and drummer brother Alex tossed out original bassist Michael Anthony after almost 30 years for being too friendly with Sammy Hagar and put the Mini Me in place. Truly, hard rock is reaching for a defibrillator.

No ifs, ands or buts . . . The Fox Network and ReganBooks are accomplices in promoting O.J. Simpson’s new tell-all book, which should have been titled This Is Exactly How I Did It. In addition, both companies, part of Rupert Murdoch’s media empire, are lining O.J.’s pockets for his time and effort. Like he went to a lot of trouble remembering how he killed his ex-wife. NOV 20 UPDATE: Well, lookee here. On Monday, Nov 20, amid huge backlash, Murdoch and company decided to pull the plug on the O.J. show and also canceled publication of the book. Did the media gain a conscience or just realize the profit margin wouldn’t be so killer after all? We may never know.