VBVW reports on the Very Best and Very Worst of everything. Every week. VBVW Books are on the way.

News: Out Of The Blue And Into The Sack

VBVW for February 23, 2007:
Out Of The Blue And Into The Sack

• The Very Best

Unlike many CEOs we’ve seen come under fire, JetBlue founder David Neeleman didn’t resign, shift blame, or shrug his shoulders after his company hit a low point last week. Instead, he enacted a Customer Bill Of Rights which not only insists paying customers are treated like humans, but may force the entire airline industry to recognize we’re not cattle.

The proposed Van Halen reunion was derailed before the first ticket was sold, sparing fans of the world’s greatest living rock guitarist from seeing their hero go down in a blaze of dysfunction. The unfortunate truth is it just hasn’t been the same since the days when Eddie and Valerie looked like the same person. Just look at Val now.

Britain’s Prince Harry is going to Iraq to serve as a troop commander for a six-month tour of duty. Hats off to the Brits for putting their money where their mouth is, especially during the same week that Tony Blair announced the planned withdrawal his troops. In America, every politician in charge of U.S. involvement in the war got their dads or buddies to get them out of military duty. Life might be different if the Bush Girls were drafted to perform at U.S.O. shows.

• The Very Worst

Librarians are refusing to carry “The Higher Power of Lucky” by Susan Patron because it mentions a dog getting bitten on its “scrotum” by a snake. A large battalion of educators has followed suit, saying 10 year olds shouldn’t be exposed to the word. Never mind that this book won the most prestigious kids book award on the planet, the Newbery Medal. These censors are the same people who let their kids watch slutty moms play bedroom bingo on “Desperate Housewives.” Guess it’s better to let them learn about anatomy by sneaking Hustler magazine out of the local convenience store.

David Geffen, who slept at the White House after giving millions of dollars to the Clintons during Bill’s time in office and is now backing Barack Obama, says that Hillary is a liar. Hillary wants Obama to apologize for Geffen’s remarks. Obama says he doesn’t have to apologize for what other people say. The grassroots spirit of working together for the nation is now on full display.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission downgraded the safety rating of Arizona’s Palo Verde nuclear power plant, the nation’s largest. Among other things, it found that an emergency power generator had been broken for nearly three weeks. Great. Nothing like scaring people back to coal and gas just when the country is realizing it needs other sources of power. On the plus side, Palo Verde real estate just got real cheap.

News: We Are What We Eat

VBVW for February 16, 2007:
We Are What We Eat

• The Very Best

North Korea has agreed to suspend its nuclear program. In return for this magnanimous gesture, the country will get 50,000 tons of fuel or equivalent aid. While it’s nice that poofy-haired dictator Kim Jong Il is ready to stop blackmailing the entire free world, it’s probably not the wisest move to let Communist China be in charge of making sure he keeps his promise.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has provided one more reason to live your life like you’re on vacation. The agency released a report noting that instances of heart attack and heart disease were lowest for people living in the U.S. Virgin Islands; a splendid place by any measure. The highest rates of heart disease were found in Arizona, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Missouri, Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia—a wide strip of the South that will now be known as the Angina Belt.

Mankind made a small gesture of restitution to the sea life it has been steadily killing off. In Japan, a disabled aquarium dolphin named Fuji was fitted with an artificial fin. Disease had rotted Fuji’s tail fin, and Bridgestone (yes, the tire people) helped develop a new $83,000 prosthetic replacement for her. Were the Japanese being humane, or could they just not find a good dipping sauce for dolphin tail? You decide.

• The Very Worst

Substitute teacher Joan M. Donatelli of Lewiston, NY, admitted to snorting cocaine in front of her fourth grade class . The 59-year old Donatelli was turned in after several students noticed her using pen caps to shovel Bolivian Marching Powder into her nostrils. Since this happened at an elementary school, we’ll refrain from snide remarks about higher education.

Hey, you got your food-borne illness in my peanut butter! Federal health investigators believe a recent outbreak of salmonella can be traced to peanut butter manufactured by ConAgra Foods. For PBJ lovers, that means Wal-Mart’s Great Value house brand and Peter Pan. Kind of makes you wonder what makes chunky peanut butter chunky.

Former point guard Tim Hardaway scored one point for free speech and three points for idiocy. A tall, sweaty man who made a fortune playing games with other tall, sweaty men who shower together, Hardaway let fly a candid string of homophobic pearls on a Miami radio show. His rant made most people think, “You couldn’t make this up!” But Dave Chappelle, as blind, black white supremacist Clayton Bigsby, already did.

News: Taking Up Space

VBVW for February 9, 2007:
Taking Up Space

• The Very Best

Nearly forty years after liberally dousing the Vietnamese people with Agent Orange, the U.S. government has finally agreed to clean up areas where the toxin was stored. The U.S. still denies that dioxin was the cause of everything from soldier’s diseases to birth defects, but is beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, it was responsible for some bad things that happened in Vietnam.

Machines designed to detect radiation and bomb ingredients are being tested at ports on New York City’s Staten Island, and plans are in place to set up radiation alarms within a 50-mile radius of the city. With the threat of nuclear terrorism looming, it’s good see the Department of Homeland Security do more than play with colored stickers.

The Norwegian government unveiled the design for a doomsday vault that will house more than 3 million seeds from all known varieties of food crops. The Svalbard International Seed Vault, designed to ensure that the world’s agriculture survives any future Apocalypse, will be built into a mountainside on a remote island near the North Pole. At least one country is thinking further ahead than the next election.

• The Very Worst

Astronaut Lisa Nowak, a woman with obvious mental problems, attacked a romantic rival after driving 900 miles while wearing a diaper. If she was a legal secretary or a dental hygienist, this story wouldn’t have even made it into the local papers. Instead, the media is running her on Page One every day, ensuring that her life will go down harder than the Challenger.

The perpetual train wreck that was Anna Nicole Smith finally came to a sudden stop.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Transportation Statistics, nearly one in four flights is now either delayed or cancelled. This is the worst airline performance since 2000, a mildly happier time when they actually fed travelers and when a $299 plane ticket bought a passenger some respect. Or at least the illusion of it.

News: Just getting warmed up

VBVW for February 2, 2007:
Just Getting Warmed Up

• The Very Best

Senator Joe Biden has set a new speed record for acquiring foot-in-mouth disease. One day after announcing he was running for president, Biden identified Barack Obama as the first black candidate who is “articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Obama chastened him for forgetting Jesse Jackson — whom Biden ran against in 1988, when he was caught plagiarizing a speech — as well as Shirley Chisholm, Carol Moseley Braun and Al Sharpton. In fairness, though, Sharpton really is funny looking.

The Senate approved an increase in the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour. This is the first increase for burger flippers and store clerks in a decade. Meanwhile, Congressman have gotten automatic pay annual raises and now make $165,200 a year despite being less skilled than most wage slaves.

Score uno for the ladies. Former Italian Prime Minister and richest man in Italy Silvio Berlusconi received a very public comeuppance for his very public flirtations. After embarrassing his wife with his womanizing, the lovely Mrs. Berlusconi left him an angry note — on the front page of the national newspaper her husband hates most. Ti sta bene.

• The Very Worst

Don Henley announced that the Eagles would be releasing their first album of new material in 28 years. We have nothing to add. Really. It can’t get much worse and you know it.

Two freelance advertising guys were arrested in Boston for planting Cartoon Network promos that some idiots mistook for bombs. The fact that these things had been up for more than two weeks all over the country, and then shut Beantown down for a whole day, means that a whole lot of federal somebodies aren’t paying attention on a daily basis.

Barbaro, the media’s favorite nag, was euthanized. It is always humane for a horse with a broken leg to be put down—that’s the way it’s been done for centuries. So as far as we’re concerned, the owners were trying to save the horse for one reason, and it wasn’t because he was like a part of the family: it was for stud fees.