VBVW for February 16, 2007:
We Are What We Eat
• The Very Best
North Korea has agreed to suspend its nuclear program. In return for this magnanimous gesture, the country will get 50,000 tons of fuel or equivalent aid. While it’s nice that poofy-haired dictator Kim Jong Il is ready to stop blackmailing the entire free world, it’s probably not the wisest move to let Communist China be in charge of making sure he keeps his promise.
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has provided one more reason to live your life like you’re on vacation. The agency released a report noting that instances of heart attack and heart disease were lowest for people living in the U.S. Virgin Islands; a splendid place by any measure. The highest rates of heart disease were found in Arizona, Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Missouri, Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia—a wide strip of the South that will now be known as the Angina Belt.
Mankind made a small gesture of restitution to the sea life it has been steadily killing off. In Japan, a disabled aquarium dolphin named Fuji was fitted with an artificial fin. Disease had rotted Fuji’s tail fin, and Bridgestone (yes, the tire people) helped develop a new $83,000 prosthetic replacement for her. Were the Japanese being humane, or could they just not find a good dipping sauce for dolphin tail? You decide.
• The Very Worst
Substitute teacher Joan M. Donatelli of Lewiston, NY, admitted to snorting cocaine in front of her fourth grade class . The 59-year old Donatelli was turned in after several students noticed her using pen caps to shovel Bolivian Marching Powder into her nostrils. Since this happened at an elementary school, we’ll refrain from snide remarks about higher education.
Hey, you got your food-borne illness in my peanut butter! Federal health investigators believe a recent outbreak of salmonella can be traced to peanut butter manufactured by ConAgra Foods. For PBJ lovers, that means Wal-Mart’s Great Value house brand and Peter Pan. Kind of makes you wonder what makes chunky peanut butter chunky.
Former point guard Tim Hardaway scored one point for free speech and three points for idiocy. A tall, sweaty man who made a fortune playing games with other tall, sweaty men who shower together, Hardaway let fly a candid string of homophobic pearls on a Miami radio show. His rant made most people think, “You couldn’t make this up!” But Dave Chappelle, as blind, black white supremacist Clayton Bigsby, already did.
