VBVW reports on the Very Best and Very Worst of everything. Every week. VBVW Books are on the way.

News: Wal-Mart Good! No, Wait . . .

VBVW for March 23, 2007:
Wal-Mart Good! No, Wait . . .

• The Very Best

Beef from the U.S. is being sold in Japan after a long ban due to concerns over mad cow disease. It may not seem like much, but disease-free cows prove that America can finally sell something to another country.

The alternative minimum tax will be finally be frozen in the new $2.9 trillion congressional budget. Because it was never adjusted for inflation, millions of households have had to pay this higher tax, which was created in 1970 to catch scofflaw millionaires. But hey, with inflation, who isn’t a millionaire?

The Smithsonian ousted its CEO for sneaking expenses into his budget, like having his home chandelier cleaned — despite the fact that he made more than $900,000 a year. And Wal-Mart filed suit against a former executive, an Ann Coulter-wannabe who gave away the company’s advertising business in exchange for a case of vodka and some nice dinners. Maybe the bad guys are finally getting theirs.

• The Very Worst

It was reported this week that Wal-Mart flew a special investigator all the way to Guatemala to spy on a manager who was doinking a lower-level employee — a violation of the company’s personnel policy. The investigator busted the manager when he put his ear to a hotel door and heard “moans and sighs” from inside. Employees who work below their managers are forbidden from doing so in a bed.

Iran is holding 15 British soldiers captive despite satellite evidence that the soldiers were taken at gunpoint in Iraqi waters. Iran wants an apology from England for invading its space. Excuse us, but didn’t the free world go through this with Iran during the Jimmy Carter era? We don’t believe in nuclear weapons, but enough is enough already.

Anna Nicole Smith died of an overdose — surprise! CNN kept images of Anna Nicole Smith’s chiselled and windswept come-hither face on its website all week, as did many other news outlets, earning themselves journalistic respect on a par with magazine. In retrospect, one wonders if there would be any coverage at all had Anna still been a fast-food fatty the size of Rosie O’Donnell on a cruise ship.

News: Environmental Retardation

VBVW for March 23, 2007:
Environmental Retardation

• The Very Best

Major competition to YouTube was announced by NBC, MSN, AOL, and Yahoo, a group that would have once been the media equivalent of the Death Star. As players in Google’s/YouTube’s shadow, they’ve got to try harder to make us surfers happy. Maybe now we’ll get the funny Saturday Night Live skits back online.

The European Union has relaxed its rules on international flights, opening the door to more competition and probably lower fares. Environmentalists are moaning that this may increase air travel and cause more “climate change.” Well, we’ll be happy to discuss it with them while we’re enjoying the “climate change” during our next cheap flight to the Riviera.

US District Judge Lowell Reed Jr. struck down 1998’s Child Online Protection Act. In one of the rare victories for the First Amendment in recent years, Reed stated that it was up to parents and caregivers to keep kids off of porn websites, and not the duty of the website’s creator. Isn’t it time that parents in this country started accepting responsibility for the behavior–online or off–of their little crumb crunchers?

• The Very Worst

Being a Russian sucked during the Cold War, and there are signs that things haven’t changed all that much in the past few decades. Sixty three elderly residents of a Russian nursing home died when a security guard ignored fire alarms, while more than 100 miners died in Russian mine collapse. Things haven’t been this grim for the Societ working class since the price of vodka went up.

Paul McCartney signs with Starbucks to record his new album. Either Paul needs the money, or we need another album to remind us that Sir Paul hasn’t written a single solitary decent song in 32 years.

Environmental groups want a baby polar bear in the Berlin Zoo killed because its mother abandoned it, and the cub will “not be a real polar bear” if it is fed and raised by humans. Polar bears are already losing their artic glacier homes to global warming, and now the tree-huggers want to kill one that has a nice non-melting permanent residence.

News: Kiss Of Life, Kiss Of Death

VBVW for March 16, 2007:
Kiss Of Life, Kiss Of Death

• The Very Best

The medical journal Lancet claims that chest compression works just as well, if not better than, mouth to mouth recuscitation. Think of how many people will be saved by passing strangers now that they don’t have to liplock and pass saliva in order to give the kiss of life.

According to researchers, the polar ice cap of Mars is big enough to flood the planet should it ever melt. Thank God; now we know that we have a backup water source once we’ve polluted all of ours.

Takafumi Horie, the playboy entrepreneur behind one of Japan’s largest Internet frauds, was sentenced to 2-1/2 years in prison. Sure, justice has been served, but isn’t it even more comforting to think that America doesn’t have a monopoly on greed-fueled corporate executives?

• The Very Worst

Karl Rove’s Mini-Me, Kyle Sampson, resigned amid allegations of the politically motivated firings of eight U.S. district attorneys, including the one who successfully prosectuted bribe-happy Congressman Duke Cunningham. It’s not so bad that Kyle and his boss Alberto Gonzalez are political puppets, it’s that such firings happen all the time–Bill Clinton fired 93 DAs when he was president. What a brilliant way to reward performance.

You’d think that Israel would put smooth diplomatic relations with the rest of the world at the top of its list of priorities. It appears someone forgot to share that sentiment with Israel’s ambassador to El Salvador, Tzuriel Refael, who was found drunk and trussed up in S&M gear at the Israeli embassy. This follows allegations of rape and general misbehavior by other Israeli politicians, who perhaps should think about increasing the blood flow to their brains instead of to their balls.

Boston lead singer Brad Delp’s death was ruled a suicide. Delp had locked himself in a bathroom with two charcoal grilles and died from carbon monoxide poisoning. If all the people who claimed to know him as the “nicest guy in the world” had spent a little more time actually paying attention, maybe Delp wouldn’t have resorted to such drastic measures.

News: Face The Music

VBVW for March 9, 2007:
Face the Music

• The Very Best

China raised its military budget by 17.8 percent. At first, this is appears to be a huge, terrifying leap. Then you realize that China’s military expenditure is only about $30 billion dollars, which is about 1/20th of America’s and only half of Britain’s military budgets. So China is still spending more money on making our clothes, toys, electronics, appliances than on weapons. China doesn’t need to go to war with us. It’s already in charge.

Secretary of the Army Frank Harvey resigned as the disgrace that is Walter Reed Hospital took center stage in Congress. Whether you’re for or against the war, wounded soldiers should be given the best care money can buy. In this case, that money no longer pays for a bureaucratic imbecile.

Eddie Van Halen checked into rehab one week before his band was supposed to reunite at its induction to Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. While fans will scream foul, we think Eddie needs to do something to salvage what little of his legacy he hasn’t already squandered in the last couple of years. Besides, rehab seems a small price to pay for ducking out of what is arguably the lamest Hall Of Fame on this or any other planet.

• The Very Worst

A blood clot was discovered in his leg, his best friend was convicted of perjury, he’s had more heart attacks than a retirement home, and he still wants to rule the world. Is Dick Cheney our nation’s very own Rasputin?

A 6.3 magnitude earthquake hit Indonesia, killing dozen of people and leaving thousands homeless. The next day, an Indonesian airliner caught fire after a high-speed landing, killing at least 21 people. This after the country experienced a plane crash in January and a ferry sinking in December, both killing hundreds. We’re starting to wonder if someone moved the Bermuda Triangle.

Rock band Genesis is reuniting after 15 years with Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford, and Tony Banks. Missing will be founder Peter Gabriel and guitarist Steve Hackett. We can only surmise that the show will include Collins’ recent hits from the Disney “Tarzan” soundtrack, and lots of geriatric orderlies to make sure the band survives each night.

News: Ups And Downs

VBVW for March 2, 2007:
Ups And Downs

• The Very Best

Stephen Hawking, the famous Lucasian professor afflicted with Lou Gehrig’s disease, will take a zero-gravity ride on the Vomit Comet. A ticket on the specially equipped Boeing 727-200 usually costs $3,500, but the Zero Gravity Corporation offered a gratus trip to the physicist, who is a leading expert on the universe and gravity. The company is also temporarily waiving the requirement “You must be THIS tall to go on this ride.”

Two new classes of drugs have been introduced to fight HIV, which is a boon to those who have built up resistance to the existing four drugs. Roughly a tenth of untreated HIV patients have a virus which is resistant to current medication. Worldwide, there are approximately 40 million people infected with the AIDS virus.

The Associated Press tested a week of black-out on Paris Hilton news. Unfortunately, not writing about Paris Hilton was a Paris Hilton story itself. And here we are writing about it. Damn, she’s foiled us again!

• The Very Worst

The Diocese of San Diego has filed for bankruptcy in the wake of 140 civils suits claiming sexual abuse at the hands of priests. San Diego is the fifth U.S. diocese to seek protection under bankruptcy law, and is also the biggest. If all these dioceses keep shutting down, where will all the bad priests go?

The Dow Jones industrial average saw its worst slide since the 9/11 attacks. Approximately $600 billion was lost, largely resulting from a sell-off over concerns about China’s stock market. Though the markets rebounded slightly, the drop signals a general lack of confidence in the direction of U.S. economy — currently the only good thing this country has going for it.

Celebrities and models attending a Sports Illustrated party in honor of the mag’s annual skin issue may have been exposed to acute Hepatitis A. Turns out that a caterer preparing food in one of Wolfgang Puck’s kitchens may have contaminated dishes with the Hep A virus, which is spread by ingesting food that has come in contact with an infected person’s feces. Puck says next year he plans not to serve the pu-pu platter.