VBVW for March 16, 2007:
Kiss Of Life, Kiss Of Death

• The Very Best

The medical journal Lancet claims that chest compression works just as well, if not better than, mouth to mouth recuscitation. Think of how many people will be saved by passing strangers now that they don’t have to liplock and pass saliva in order to give the kiss of life.

According to researchers, the polar ice cap of Mars is big enough to flood the planet should it ever melt. Thank God; now we know that we have a backup water source once we’ve polluted all of ours.

Takafumi Horie, the playboy entrepreneur behind one of Japan’s largest Internet frauds, was sentenced to 2-1/2 years in prison. Sure, justice has been served, but isn’t it even more comforting to think that America doesn’t have a monopoly on greed-fueled corporate executives?

• The Very Worst

Karl Rove’s Mini-Me, Kyle Sampson, resigned amid allegations of the politically motivated firings of eight U.S. district attorneys, including the one who successfully prosectuted bribe-happy Congressman Duke Cunningham. It’s not so bad that Kyle and his boss Alberto Gonzalez are political puppets, it’s that such firings happen all the time–Bill Clinton fired 93 DAs when he was president. What a brilliant way to reward performance.

You’d think that Israel would put smooth diplomatic relations with the rest of the world at the top of its list of priorities. It appears someone forgot to share that sentiment with Israel’s ambassador to El Salvador, Tzuriel Refael, who was found drunk and trussed up in S&M gear at the Israeli embassy. This follows allegations of rape and general misbehavior by other Israeli politicians, who perhaps should think about increasing the blood flow to their brains instead of to their balls.

Boston lead singer Brad Delp’s death was ruled a suicide. Delp had locked himself in a bathroom with two charcoal grilles and died from carbon monoxide poisoning. If all the people who claimed to know him as the “nicest guy in the world” had spent a little more time actually paying attention, maybe Delp wouldn’t have resorted to such drastic measures.