VBVW for May 25, 2007:
McBest and McWorst
• The Very Best
British prosecutors believe they’ve identified the man responsible for the poisoning death of KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko six months ago, and are seeking extradition of another spy, Andrei Lugovi. But good luck getting Lugovi out of Russia, bobbies. You stand a better chance getting giggles out of Dostoevsky.
In the same week that presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich made an hour-long speech on the House floor about oil as the root cause for war with Iraq, the press was flooded with images of the Ohio senator and his startlingly lithe British wife. Not much hope for Americans on the oil front, but beings across Middle Earth now believe that hobbits really can marry elves.
Somebody’s putting big money into redeveloping the Gulf after the Katrina devastation . . . but it isn’t the federal government. Harrah’s Entertainment is building a $1 billion casino and resort in Biloxi, Mississippi. Partnering with Jimmy Buffett, they’re calling the place Margaritaville, and it will be the single largest investment in the region since 2005. And yes, it will be okay–metaphorically speaking–to get wasted away again there.
• The Very Worst
Just when the Oxford English Dictionary was showing signs of moving all the way up to the 18th century, the language authority now has Ronald McDonald on its case. McDonald’s wants the OED to change its definition of a McJob, currently defined as “an unstimulating low-paid job with few prospects.” In the future, that definition will be used exclusively for the position of U.S. Attorney General.
The producers of the Australlian version of reality show Big Brother have opted not to tell a contestant that her father died a week ago. Claiming it would violate the rules of the game, the girl’s family agrees with the producers.
The Senate and House both caved on setting a deadline for troop withdrawl in Iraq. So much for the Democratic Party’s revolution on Capitol Hill. We can’t wait to see how they manage to snatch other defeats from the jaws of victory.
VBVW for May 18, 2007:
Wolves and Whales
• The Very Best
Paul Wolfowitz finally resigned as head of the World Bank. It’s amazing how someone who was supposed to be helping the Third World with its money problems will be remembered for helping his girlfriend make more money.
The Reverend Jerry Falwell died. We should leave it at that, but we can’t. Everyone who believes we are all created equal — regardless of Jerry’s preaching to the contrary — will sleep easier from here on in. Not counting the “abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians” who caused 9/11.
In Middletown, NY, a woman was sexually assaulted while praying in church. In Nigeria, a man who raped two girls has been condemned to death by stoning, a religious punishment that hasn’t been carried out in recent memory. But it’s probably about time.
• The Very Worst
Bono is fighting the board of his New York City co-op to have chimney emissions curbed. Due to the fact that he lives at the top of the building, he worries that fireplace smoke is seeping into his abode. The primary offender? None other than ’80s time-capsule nominee Billy Squier. Everybody sing: “Smoke me, smoke me . . . Smoke!”
Overpopulation in India may finally have found its smoking gun. Turns out it’s more like a cap gun than a long-barrel .12 gauge. A survey of more than 1,000 Indian men found that condoms manufactured according to international sizes are too large for a majority of the nation’s men.
Marine biologists were unsuccessful in luring two injured humpback whales out of California’s Sacramento-San Joaquin Delta and back into the open Pacific. The scientists had hoped the mother and calf, who were apparently injured by a boat’s propeller, would follow their recordings of humpback songs. More and more whales worldwide have been escaping the oceans and heading into rivers, so what do they know that we don’t?
VBVW for May 11, 2007:
Totally Blown Away
• The Very Best
The brightest supernova ever seen was viewed through the NASA’s x-ray Chandra telescope. Stars of this one’s super-massive size are extremely rare in the universe, and they usually usually collapse into black holes rather than exploding. And usually we don’t catch that Kodak moment.
Scientists have announced plans to document sounds, images, and info of all the world’s 1.8M species online in the Encyclopedia of Life. And like real life, it’s free.
There were two great archaelogical finds this week. The first may be the tomb of everybody’s favorite Baby Jesus hunter, King Herod. Who’d have guessed they would find it in the town of Herodium? Next were paintings in a Nepalese cave, discovered when a shepherd was taking shelter from a storm in cave high up in a sheer 14,000 foot rock cliff.
• The Very Worst
Another tornado, another US town destroyed, and still not enough stateside National Guardsmen to help. Heckuva job, Bushie.
A study in the journal Health Affairs found that uninsured patients wind up paying over 2.5 times the amount billed to health plans, and more than 3 times billed to Medicare. No wonder our healthcare system remains “broken.” No one can afford the cast.
While the press educated America on etiquette in greeting the visiting Queen of England (men, bow from the neck), President Bush accidentally said her first visit to the US was in 1776, then winked at her (he’s so folksy!). Why are U.S. citizens bowing to the queen of a country whose ass we kicked so we wouldn’t have to keep kissing that ass?
VBVW for May 4, 2007:
Royalty, Roids, Rupert, and Rednecks
• The Very Best
Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. Maybe there really is a God.
Rupert Murdoch is trying to buy Dow Jones, the company that owns The Wall Street Journal. Despite his propensity for schlocking up almost everything he touches, we gotta give Rupe credit for his willingness to invest billions in the printed word.
The baseball commission investigating steroid use has reportedly called more than 30 current players to testify about using performance-enhancing drugs. Man, just in time — Barry Bonds is only 13 homers from breaking the record.
• The Very Worst
The 1969 Dodge Charger known as the “General Lee” on Dukes Of Hazzard was sold at auction for nearly $10 million, making it the most expensive card ever sold. Two things: why does anybody care so much about a car that was featured in a B-grade TV show, and when did rednecks get so rich?
Elizabeth II came to America to see the country where Britain started losing its grip on the world. Big deal. If the Brits wanted to send us old, shrivelled, no-longer-working queens, we would have preferred Freddy Mercury.
Our nation’s capitol may have its very own Heidi Fleiss in Deborah Jean Palfrey, the “DC Madam.” Palfrey’s $300 per hour service features escorts over the age of 50 whom the madam describes as “some of the most popular women on staff.” Question is, on whose staff?
