VBVW for June 29, 2007:
You Must Be Joking
• The Very Best
According to the journal Science, researchers at Maryland’s Ventner Institute have taken the first step in creating synthetic life by transferring genetic material from one bacterium into another, transforming the second microbe into a copy of the first. The researchers claim that they can custom-design bacteria to perform functions such as producing artificial fuel or cleaning up toxic waste.
The United States Senate rejected its own highly touted immigration reform bill. Perhaps now the corporate lackeys on Capitol Hill will enforce the existing immigration laws we’ve got, which were passed in 1986 and 1965. Maybe there’s something about immigration bills cropping up every 21 years in the U.S., or maybe that’s just how often Congressmen slither out of their cocoons to infect our country.
At 23 years old, Barrington Irving became the youngest person to fly solo around the world. Even more incredibly, he’s the first black person to fly solo around the world. It’s okay to do a double-take; we couldn’t believe it hadn’t happened before, either.
• The Very Worst
To dodge a violation regarding the release of information, Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney says he’s not part of the executive branch of government, rendering all 4th-grade text books moot.
Inflation in Zimbabwe hits 11,000 percent. Estimates are that it will be over a million percent by the end of December. Merry Christmas, Africa.
The Spice Girls reunite.
VBVW for June 22, 2007:
Whacked
• The Very Best
The U.S. is one step closer to disarming North Korean nukes, thanks to a visit to Pyongyang this week by assistant secretary of state Christopher Hill. Sources say Hill may take negotiations even further next time if he can resist referring to dictator Kim Jong-Il as “cutie pie.”
Medical researchers studying the effect of a new treatment for Parkinson’s Disease are “extremely encouraged” by the results of their gene therapy. As reported in the British medical journal The Lancet, 12 patients with the degenerative disease showed significant improvement of symptoms (jerking, trembling) with no apparent side effects.
After 6 days of darkness, VBVW.com came back online. It’s alright now. Shhhh. Everything is going to be okay.
• The Very Worst
A slave labor ring in Western China was broken up when authorities stormed a brick factory in the Shanxi province. Young boys and full-grown men had been snatched off the street, sold for about $18, then forced to work 14-hour days in hellish factories under the watch of barbaric guards. One of the freed slaves reported being beaten daily in the head and on his legs with sticks and broken pieces of brick.
When Hillary Clinton spoofed the Sopranos finale in a campaign video this week, she showed a little humor, a little stugots, and incredibly bad judgment by choosing a Celine Dion tune for her campaign song. Unfortunately, the ending was as disappointing as Tony’s own last scene, as Hillary was not clipped in the final frame. Bill Clinton cameo’d in Carmella’s role, suggesting that at some recent point in time his penis may have been whacked.
A 13-year old girl’s feet were severed above the ankle while she was on a thrill ride at a Six Flags amusement park in Kentucky. Apparently, the recently renamed Superman Tower of Power malfunctioned during its 154-foot drop and caused the double amputation. Perhaps Six Flags should have waited a little longer to change the ride from its original name: The Hellevator.
VBVW for June 8, 2007: Furious George and The Pod People
• The Very Best
America and Russia decided to work together on preventing a looming missile crisis in Eastern Europe. No pounding of shoes on tables, no blockades, no talk of dropping the bomb. Maybe Earth has a future after all.
The leaders of the G8 nations agreed to a plan to cut carbon dioxide emissions in their respective countries. Even George W. Bush agreed. Yeah, we had to read that twice, too.
Biologists claim to have discovered a way to use skin cells as stand-ins for stem cells. In effect, the skin cells can be reprogrammed to behave like cells of other organs in the body. Good thing, because George W. is about to veto stem cell research again, defying the will of the majority of Americans in favor of those who believe that Adam and Eve had a pet brontosaurus.
• The Very Worst
The Senate failed to deliver on its promise to pass an immigration reform bill. It’s not so much the bill itself that matters; it’s the discovery that our elected officials have no brains, no hearts, no spines, and no balls. The truth is out: we’re governed by pod people.
In the first of what is sure to be many titles tossed, the organizers of the Tour de France stripped Bjarne Riis of his 1996 Tour win after he admitted using performance-enhancing drugs. Worldwide, cheating has come to define sports of all types. Makes you wonder what kind of steroid 13-year old Evan O’Dorney was on when he spelled the word “serrefine” correctly to win the National Spelling Bee.
The Sopranos ends its 8-year run this weekend. Sunday nights go back to being that dark period of the weekend when everyone’s stress rises in anticipation of going back to work on Monday morning. Worst of all? No more Meadow.
VBVW for June 1, 2007: Sick In America
• The Very Best
The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” was released in the United States 40 years ago today. One of the great musical milestones of the 20th century, it also set off rumors that Paul McCartney was dead. Considering how things have gone with his dancing wife this past year, he probably wishes he was.
The Feds arrested a man they call one of the top 10 email spammers in the world. While he probably won’t get the death punishment, which he deserves, he will have plenty of time to respond to Nigerian cash scams and unsolicited Viagra ads.
Scientists in Spain are building a cerebellum to give robots better motor skills. The new bots will be better equipped to assist disabled, and the research may yield more clues about treating Parkinsons’ disease. The next step for scientists is to create human-like skin for the ‘bots. Forget benefits for the handicapped — just wait until they rig these things up for porn.
• The Very Worst
Our healthcare system may be in need of its own respirator, but here’s an example of socialized medicine gone very, very wrong. In the Netherlands, desperate patients are allegedly vying for a kidney donated by a dying woman. And here’s the fun part: they’ll be competing on a new Dutch reality program called “The Big Donor Show.” Ooo, don’t you hope the cute one gets it?
The man who flew across the Atlantic twice while carrying a rare, drug resistant strain of tuberculosis in his lungs is the son-in-law of a scientist at the U.S. Center for Disease Control. We have a feeling nothing good is going to come of this.
Wellington, New Zealand energy officials turned off the power of a woman whose electrical bill was $122 in arrears. Her life support system was electrically powered, and she died less than an hour after the lights went out. Sounds like something you only hear about in a short story. Or America.
