VBVW for July 27, 2007:
Facing Off
• The Very Best
A 31-year old Chinese male, known as China’s Elephant Man, had a 33-pound tumor removed from his face. That’s a good day for everyone.
For the past 30 years Libya has had a worse world image than Corey Feldman, but the north African nation took a big step forward this week by freeing six Bulgarian nurses who had been sentenced to death. The nurses had been accused of deliberately infecting more than 400 Libyan children with the AIDS virus.
The Burj Dubai is officially the world’s tallest building. And it’s only half built. By the end of construction the Burj will end up being half a mile high, twice the height of The Empire State Building. Kind of makes a big target, though.
• The Very Worst
The Tour de France now has fewer cyclists than a nursing home for quadriplegics. The current leader has been stripped of his yellow jersey and three entire teams have dropped out — all due to drug-related issues. We hate to say it, but it’s hard not to wonder if Lance Armstrong was clean for all of his wins. C’mon guys, have some balls.
The Taliban killed one of 23 South Korean hostages in Afghanistan. The always right and always honorable Taliban is holding these evil people captive because they are charity workers for a Christian aid group.
Beyonce took a tumble onstage, then called on the decency of her so-called fans by asking them not to post video of her fall on YouTube — which led immediately to someone posting video of her fall on YouTube. Worse yet, CNN’s talking heads laughed giddily as they replayed the video 4 times. CNN: News You Can Trust — To Lower The Bar.
VBVW for July 20, 2007:
Men Are Animals
• The Very Best
Killer/thief Pascal Payet escaped the French prison of Grasse by helicopter. French authorities have omelette on their face, especially since Payet was supposed to be under close guard after having escaped prison before. By helicopter. After years of hacks like David Blaine, it’s nice to see a real escape artist at work.
North Korea agreed to shut down all nuclear facilities in Pyongyang by year’s end, and on Saturday shut down its sole working reactor in a central nuclear complex. Skeptics still want verification that NK is not enriching uranium. If they play nice, the Koreans have been promised 1 million tons of energy aid.
The Archdiocese of Los Angeles is settling a clergy sex abuse suit for $660 million. The money will come from selling off of some assets, including buildings. Maybe it’s time for every religious organization to sell all the churches and give the money to the poor. Like Jesus would have wanted.
• The Very Worst
During seven years critical to the rise of popular megastore Whole Foods, the grocer’s chairman and CEO was anonymously stoking its success in financial chat rooms. From 1999 through 2006, John Mackey — under the screen name “rahodeb,” which is an anagram for his wife’s name — talked up his crunchy grocery stores on Yahoo! Inc.’s financial chat boards while dogging his competition.
Russia suspends a NATO treaty on arms control, prohibiting other countries from inspecting its arsenal. Shimon Peres is sworn in as Israeli prime minister, again. Britain tosses out Russian diplomats in a spy scandal. It’s the 1970s all over again, and the Cold War is back on.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted on running a dog-fighting business, and for torturing dogs to death that he deemed not fit to fight. Anyone who has lingering doubts that America’s professional sports teams are populated by thugs, cretins, morons, and subhumans hasn’t been paying attention.
VBVW for July 13, 2007:
Badgers, Bulls, & Burkhas
• The Very Best
British forces denied rumours UK troops had introduced man-eating, bear-like beasts to hunt the locals. Word had been spreading among a very nervous populace about the appearance of huge and ferocious beasts, which turned out to be badgers seeking shelter from floods in the surrounding area. But maybe we’ve finally found a weapon that will work in the war on terror.
An online poll has chosen your next vacation destination. The new list of the Seven World Wonders of The World was chosen by an online voting poll, and includes three sites in Asia, three in Latin and South America, and one in Europe. Disappointing news for the entries from North America, Australia, and Antarctica. The world’s largest rubber band ball didn’t even make the Top Ten.
Wall Street blew past two milestones this week as the Dow Jones industrial average and the S&P 500 stock index hit record highs. Glad someone has confidence in the economy.
• The Very Worst
For the first time in 80 years, it snowed in Buenos Aires.
Pakistan troops stormed the Red Mosque and freed captives held by extremists demanding that the country adopt Sharia, or strict Muslim law. In the end, 75 inside the mosque died along with ten soldiers. One who didn’t die was the leader of the Mosque, who abandoned his followers and tried to sneak out dressed in a woman’s burkha.
Julian Moti, a lawyer sought in Australia on child sex charges, was sworn in as the Solomon Islands’ attorney general. The Australian citizen, who is a close friend of Solomons’ Prime Minister Manasseh Sogavare,
has avoided extradition to his home country on charges of raping a 13-year old girl.
VBVW for July 7, 2007:
The Goddess and the Godless
• The Very Best
Living goddess Sajani Shakya, currently worshipped as a deity in Nepal, has been stripped of her divinity after traveling to the U.S. Apparently, leaving town counts as a violation of “purity” and means she can’t be God anymore. Sajani will now get to go and live a normal life like all the other 10-year old girls in Kathmandu.
Paleontologists have found a million-year old human tooth in Spain. The molar is the oldest fossil evidence of humans living in Western Europe. Sadly for those intelligent designers who believe the world is only 6,000 years old, the Bible will have to be rewritten to take this piece of hard scientific evidence into account.
Former Liberian president Charles Ghankay Taylor made a surprise appearance at a trial for atrocities he committed against Sierra Leone during that country’s decade long civil war. Taylor had previously boycotted the proceedings, so maybe he’s had a change of heart and just really wants to see justice done.
• The Very Worst
Terrorists rammed a burning Jeep into the Glasgow airport. Even curbside check-in has become as dangerous as flying. The drive-thru attack was one of several car-bomb plots this week planned by a handful of Muslim doctors who apparently got the Hippocratic oath all wrong.
Sochi has been selected as the site of the 2014 Winter Olympics. Never heard of it? It’s in Russia. Yeah, we’re not making any plans to go there, either.
President Bush liberated “Scooter” Libby by commuting his prison sentence, proving that a jury of one’s peers means squat if one has other peers in high places. The president continues his bid to star in the next Above The Law sequel.
