VBVW for August 31, 2007: Mental Stillness
• The Very Best •
Senator John Edwards showed his teeth when he proposed a law requiring leaders of federal agencies to be qualified for their jobs. The best part is that he’s calling it “Brownie’s Law.”
Senator Larry Craig, who pled guilty to lewd contact in a men’s restroom, has stated he’s not gay. Got that? Not gay; never has been, never will be. Thank God, because now we can trust him to continue his brave and morally superior crusade against gay rights.
Owen Wilson didn’t die from his suicide attempt. Whoa, dude, you’re like way too funny to go out like this.
• The Very Worst •
Michael Vick apologized. We don’t know if he’s begging forgiveness over at the pet cemetery, but he’s clearly sorry his career has been scooped off the curb and tossed in the trash.
Abdullah Gül, a conservative Muslim whose wife wears the outlawed jihab headdress, has been elected as president of Turkey. The country is one of the remaining few in the Middle East that maintains a non-religious government, and we can assure you that the clock is already ticking on the demise of that principle.
A United Nations building in New York was evacuated after vials containing a chemical weapon called phosgene were found in an old storage room. Maybe the UN has some unattended weapons of mass destruction lying around the office, too.
VBVW for August 24, 2007: Book ‘em, Dan-O
• The Very Best •
A few adventurous souls have found an upside to global warming, and not just by working on their tan. These studs are surfing glaciers as they tumble into the water. It’s kind of like training to be a jockey with the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles by a score of 30 to 3, the most runs scored by a team in 110 years. And so far, no steroid accusations.
Nicole Richie spends an hour in jail for her DUI. Hey, it’s better than nothing, right?
• The Very Worst •
One in four adults admits to not reading a single book in the past year, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll. Making matters worse, of those adults who did read a book, religious works and popular fiction were the top choices.
Donald Trump is desperate to reunite Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on a celebrity version of The Apprentice, according to People magazine. Commenting on their profound draw, Spears and Lohan were both described by Trump as being “a [bleep]ing mess.”
According to an internal Central Intelligence Agency report, former director George J. Tenet recognized the danger posed by Al Qaeda long before the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. Tenet was lax in promoting an information-sharing environment within the C.I.A and failed to adequately prepare the agency to meet the threat. So why does anyone still believe that our government is smart enough to plan conspiracies?
VBVW for August 17, 2007: All Shook Up
• The Very Best •
Ding dong, the witch is dead. Karl Rove quits the White House. With the entire left side of his brain trust gone, that leaves only Dick Cheney in charge of President Bush’s head.
Just as Mattel was recalling more than 19 million toys — isn’t it tough enough being a kid without worring that Polly Pockets might kill you? — the head of the Chinese company responsible for lead-tainted toys killed himself. This follows the state execution of China’s head of food and drugs after the discovery of toxic toothpaste and pet food. Not that we’re suggesting anything, but U.S. government hacks and Corporate American CEOs should be so noble.
South Africa’s apartheid-era Police Minister Adriaan Vlok is finally coming to trial. Vlok, who is white, is accused of plotting to kill one of his critics, Rev Frank Chikane, who is black, by lacing his clothes with a nerve toxin. Mr. Vlok begged Mr Chikane for forgiveness by washing his feet. Little late for that.
• The Very Worst •
A recent poll shows that many Americans feel that professional quarterback and amateur dog-killer Michael Vick is getting preferential treatment because he is a celebrity. Celebrity favoritism in America? No way! Just ask Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and Mel Gibson.
Van Halen has reunited with David Lee Roth. The tour is sure to be a sellout, as is the band’s integrity.
Whether out of guilt or fear of litigation, mine owner Robert Murray insists an earthquake — not his company’s mining practices — caused the collapse of Utah’s Crandall Canyon mine, which has trapped six miners and killed three rescuers. Just what are those sneaky seismologists trying to pull, with their facts and their fancy seismographs?
VBVW for August 10, 2007: Dimwits, Unite
• The Very Best •
The richest guy in the world is no longer Bill Gates, according to Fortune. It’s Mexico’s Carlos Slim Helú, who edged out Gates by a slim (buh!) margin of $59 billion to the über-geek’s $58 billion.
The thieves who stole three Picasso masterpieces have been nabbed by French police. A commander in charge of the investigation said the “dimwits” rolled up the paintings so tightly that they cracked the painted surface.
Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s home-run record. So where’s the excitement? Well, all-time baseball records just ain’t what they used to be ever since ballplayers started corking their bats and their biceps. Also, people like Hank Aaron.
• The Very Worst •
The 20 million flood-displaced people in Southeast Asia are not getting their supplies, food is running out, and disease is imminent. Try to imagine an entire country that looks like New Orleans — and hope that they, too, aren’t waiting for aid two years down the washed-out road.
Foot and mouth disease is back, and it’s brought to you by . . . government labs! Odds are that the recent outbreak in Britain was caused by viruses that escaped from a research lab.
Some clown working on an AT&T cybercast of a Lollapalooza concert bleeped Pearl Jam when they inserted anti-Bush lyrics into a cover of Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick In The Wall.” The audacity to censor Vedder and co. was almost as bad as the crowd-baiting line (”Hey, George Bush — leave this world alone”).
VBVW for August 3, 2007:
Zapped
• The Very Best
Could Germans be hipper than Americans? No. But Berlin has earned major points for naming a street after Frank Zappa. Street 13 became Frank Zappa Strasse thanks to efforts by the owners of a factory where Communist films used to be made. The building is now a huge rehearsal center for young European bands.
The warden of a Philippino prison has a novel approach to reforming criminals: let ‘em dance. The sight of over 1,000 orange-clad inmates doing choreographed routines of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and Queen’s “Radio Gaga” are not to be missed. Shake it, sister.
Researchers believe that tobacco may be useful in fighting sexually transmitted diseases. Don’t smoke it, though; the hope is that tobacco plants may be used to cultivate antibodies that fight gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes and even HIV. Tobacco and good health — friends at last.
• The Very Worst
A bridge collapsed at rush hour in Minneapolis, spewing humans, cars, and trucks into the water below. Now for the really bad news: the American Society of Civil Engineers reports that more than 100,000 bridges in the U.S. are in a state of serious disrepair.
Oil prices hit an all-time record high price of $78.77 per barrel. In July 2006 light sweet crude had hit $77.03.
Household fixtures and items stripped from the home of Jerry Garcia are going up for auction, with proceeds to benefit the Sophia Foundation. Last year, one of Jerry’s toilets brought in $2,500. The Grateful Dead music he crapped out was not included.
