VBVW for August 17, 2007: All Shook Up

• The Very Best •

Ding dong, the witch is dead. Karl Rove quits the White House. With the entire left side of his brain trust gone, that leaves only Dick Cheney in charge of President Bush’s head.

Just as Mattel was recalling more than 19 million toys — isn’t it tough enough being a kid without worring that Polly Pockets might kill you? — the head of the Chinese company responsible for lead-tainted toys killed himself. This follows the state execution of China’s head of food and drugs after the discovery of toxic toothpaste and pet food. Not that we’re suggesting anything, but U.S. government hacks and Corporate American CEOs should be so noble.

South Africa’s apartheid-era Police Minister Adriaan Vlok is finally coming to trial. Vlok, who is white, is accused of plotting to kill one of his critics, Rev Frank Chikane, who is black, by lacing his clothes with a nerve toxin. Mr. Vlok begged Mr Chikane for forgiveness by washing his feet. Little late for that.

• The Very Worst •

A recent poll shows that many Americans feel that professional quarterback and amateur dog-killer Michael Vick is getting preferential treatment because he is a celebrity. Celebrity favoritism in America? No way! Just ask Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and Mel Gibson.

Van Halen has reunited with David Lee Roth. The tour is sure to be a sellout, as is the band’s integrity.

Whether out of guilt or fear of litigation, mine owner Robert Murray insists an earthquake — not his company’s mining practices — caused the collapse of Utah’s Crandall Canyon mine, which has trapped six miners and killed three rescuers. Just what are those sneaky seismologists trying to pull, with their facts and their fancy seismographs?