VBVW for August 31, 2007: Mental Stillness

• The Very Best •

Senator John Edwards showed his teeth when he proposed a law requiring leaders of federal agencies to be qualified for their jobs. The best part is that he’s calling it “Brownie’s Law.”

Senator Larry Craig, who pled guilty to lewd contact in a men’s restroom, has stated he’s not gay. Got that? Not gay; never has been, never will be. Thank God, because now we can trust him to continue his brave and morally superior crusade against gay rights.

Owen Wilson didn’t die from his suicide attempt. Whoa, dude, you’re like way too funny to go out like this.

• The Very Worst •

Michael Vick apologized. We don’t know if he’s begging forgiveness over at the pet cemetery, but he’s clearly sorry his career has been scooped off the curb and tossed in the trash.

Abdullah Gül, a conservative Muslim whose wife wears the outlawed jihab headdress, has been elected as president of Turkey. The country is one of the remaining few in the Middle East that maintains a non-religious government, and we can assure you that the clock is already ticking on the demise of that principle.

A United Nations building in New York was evacuated after vials containing a chemical weapon called phosgene were found in an old storage room. Maybe the UN has some unattended weapons of mass destruction lying around the office, too.