VBVW for September 28, 2007: Of Mormons and Monks
• The Very Best •
Fundamentalist Mormon leader Warren Jeffs is convicted on two counts of aiding and abetting underage rape. Wouldn’t you just love to hear how he’s going to explain this to Jesus?
Iranian President Ahmadinehjad is allowed to speak his mind at Columbia University. Once again, America’s right to free speech hastens the demise of another numb-nuts idiot who shoots himself in the foot and then puts it in his mouth.
Two Silicon Valley computer engineers have been caught and charged with conspiring to sell microchip designs to the Chinese military. One billion people who ace math class, and they need our engineers?
• The Very Worst •
Rudy Giuliani has changed his position on gun control now that he’s running for the White House (by the way — can it still wear white if it’s been screwed?). Rudy practically apologized for his previous stance in a presentation to the NRA, interrupting himself momentarily to take a cell phone call from his wife. We’re not taking a position on firearms here. We’re just saying, you know, stick to your guns.
Phil Spector’s trial ended in a mistrial. What part of crazed-gun-toting-psycho-woman-hating-murderer did this jury not get?
Myanmar’s crackdown on anti-government protestors has led to the death of at least nine people as of Thursday, including monks, civilians, and a Japanese photographer (though the the government is still about 2,091 murders short of the number they killed in 1988). A crackdown. On monks. It’s not just us — that’s fucked up, right?
VBVW for September 21, 2007: Don’t Taser Me, Bro
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Democratic fundraiser Norman Tsu has reportedly admitted to defrauding investors of millions of dollars in a Ponzi scheme just days after being apprehended. Finally, a national-influence-peddling-bribery-political-greed-in-exchange-for-favors scandal that won’t drag on for years to come.
Four fossil skeletons found in the republic of Georgia offer a new link between human antecedents and the first of our species. With lower limbs and spines more developed than that of their predecessors, the skeletons may represent primitives capable of migrating from Africa some 1.8 million years ago. That is, assuming God didn’t create us all from magic powder like Sea Monkeys.
Nuon Chea, a leader of the Khmer Rouge movement in Cambodia, has been arrested and charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity. Chea was “Brother No. 2″ to Pol Pot, and together they oversaw the torture and murder of 1.7 million countrymen — a quarter of Cambodia’s population — in the late 1970s. Good taste prevents us from adding a litany of brotherly love, brothers in arms, and brother-to-brother quips.
• The Very Worst •
Iranian President Ahmadinejad wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero during his visit next week and authorities told him no, a decision noisily supported by presidential candidates including Romney, Clinton and Giuliani. Let’s see: Irani leadership is an enemy of Al Qaeda, condemned the attacks, and cooperated in US efforts against the Taliban. Not that he’s the neighborhood ice cream man, but a Muslim leader wants to pay respect — and we say no?
Censorship runs amok. A student questioning John Kerry was tasered, Walt Disney Company is banning heavy metal bands from the House Of Blues near Disneyland, and eternal cupcake Sally Field was bleeped on the Emmys for either her language or her anti-war sentiment, take your pick. Can we get an amendment to defend our amendments?
The fabled Northwest Passage connecting the Atlantic and Pacific oceans may be opening up as a shipping route. Arctic pack ice that had always prevented passage is now melting due to — anyone? anyone? — that’s right, global warming.
VBVW for September 14, 2007: Please Stop Breeding
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Research from Britain claims that the contraceptive pill does not raise a women’s overall risk of breast and cervix cancer cancer, and may actually reduce the risk of other cancers. Man, is this going to piss off the Pope or what?
Scientists now believe the Earth could survive when, in about five billion years, the sun swells to 100 times its size and swallows Mercury and Venus. Too bad we will most likely have fried the planet ourselves before next weekend.
Bill Belichick gets fined after Patriots’ videotaping, proving that some sports commissioners actually take such infractions seriously. And it’s good to know that Tour de France bicyclists, NBA refs, and Barry Bonds aren’t the only cheaters in professional sports.
• The Very Worst •
Five deaths have been attributed to the Ebola virus in central Congo, and officials are wondering if Ebola was the cause of a mystery illness that has killed more than 100 people in the same area. Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases on the planet, causing victims to bleed from their orifices before dying. Couple that with the fact that the Congo is roughly the size of Western Europe, yet is so poor that it has less than 300 miles of paved roads, and there is absolutely no good news here.
Six wite folks frum West Virginny have ben accuseds of kidnappin’, rapin’, torturin’ and beatin’ a black women fer an entire weke in there house. The six are part of an extended fambly that all tagether has had 108 criminal charges filed agin ‘em since 1991. Can you plese remind us why the U.S. are so against the deth penalty?
The Pope, that oh-so-progressive gentleman noted above, has decided that churches can bring back the Latin Mass, a quaint tradition that was done away with during the 1960s in the interest of modernity. The way things are going, it may not be too long before his holiness brings back other quaint traditions like the Spanish Inquisition.
VBVW for September 7, 2007: Burma Shaved
• The Very Best •
A group of Myanmar Buddhist monks took policemen hostage after the police injured protesters marching against the doubling of the country’s oil prices. Nice to see those monks kicking ass just like they do in the martial arts movies. The police were later released unharmed. By the way, geography buffs, Myanmar is what they’re caling Burma these day.
German police arrested three men who had stockpiled 1500 pounds of explosives for use against U.S. military bases. If you think these three men were fundamental Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Taoists, or even Zoroastrians, you haven’t been paying attention.
Fred Thompson announced that he is running for president. That gives us a wide variety of approximately three dozen colorful candidates who are expecting to be on the ballot . . . 15 months from now.
• The Very Worst •
No-longer-relevant comedienne Whoopi Goldberg defended Michael Vick’s killing of dogs. Still no word on how she plans to defend her tired, racist and bitter existence.
The British Food Standards Agency released a report claiming that food additives cause bad behavior in children. Now we have a government-sanctioned excuse for bad parenting around the globe.
After experiencing technical problems with a Boeing 757, officials of Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats on the tarmac to appease a Hindu sky god. This might sound really crazy, but how about sacrificing $7.95 for a socket wrench?
