VBVW for September 14, 2007: Please Stop Breeding

• The Very Best •

Research from Britain claims that the contraceptive pill does not raise a women’s overall risk of breast and cervix cancer cancer, and may actually reduce the risk of other cancers. Man, is this going to piss off the Pope or what?

Scientists now believe the Earth could survive when, in about five billion years, the sun swells to 100 times its size and swallows Mercury and Venus. Too bad we will most likely have fried the planet ourselves before next weekend.

Bill Belichick gets fined after Patriots’ videotaping, proving that some sports commissioners actually take such infractions seriously. And it’s good to know that Tour de France bicyclists, NBA refs, and Barry Bonds aren’t the only cheaters in professional sports.

• The Very Worst •

Five deaths have been attributed to the Ebola virus in central Congo, and officials are wondering if Ebola was the cause of a mystery illness that has killed more than 100 people in the same area. Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases on the planet, causing victims to bleed from their orifices before dying. Couple that with the fact that the Congo is roughly the size of Western Europe, yet is so poor that it has less than 300 miles of paved roads, and there is absolutely no good news here.

Six wite folks frum West Virginny have ben accuseds of kidnappin’, rapin’, torturin’ and beatin’ a black women fer an entire weke in there house. The six are part of an extended fambly that all tagether has had 108 criminal charges filed agin ‘em since 1991. Can you plese remind us why the U.S. are so against the deth penalty?

The Pope, that oh-so-progressive gentleman noted above, has decided that churches can bring back the Latin Mass, a quaint tradition that was done away with during the 1960s in the interest of modernity. The way things are going, it may not be too long before his holiness brings back other quaint traditions like the Spanish Inquisition.