VBVW for November 30: God Help Us
• The Very Best •
Now that Google has mastered the digital domain, it’s going to work on the real world. The company announced its “RE < C" initiative to seek renewable energy sources (RE) that cost less than (<) coal (C). That must mean that "Google>God.”
Nothing in California is burning this week.
Broadway is back in business as stagehands ended their three-week strike. Who would have guessed that a bunch of manly men could bring the fabulous sound of show tunes to a screaming halt?
• The Very Worst •
Richard Roberts resigned as president of Oral Roberts University because God told him to. Roberts was going to stay and fight charges that he looted the university for personal gain, but announced that God told him it would be better to step down. God also said, and we quote, “We live in a litigious society.” We’re waiting for God to tell Roberts to stop being an asshole and admit to stealing the cash.
Riots in Paris have resulted in injury to more than 80 police officers. The rioters, many of them teenagers, have been attacking police since the death of two teens who were killed when they rammed their motorcycle into a police car. And Bill Maher keeps telling us that we can learn from the French.
Sixty miners are trapped underground in a gold mine explosion in Ecuador. The recent spate of mine disasters worldwide–occurring almost weekly–may create a whole race of miners that simply live out the rest of their lives trapped below the surface of the Earth to live as Mole Men . . . waiting for the day they can crawl back to the surface and take back what is rightfully theirs. Or not.
VBVW for November 23: Thanks For Giving
Our abbreviated, holiday VBVW. Thanks to you all for reading.
• The Very Best •
Queen guitarist Brian May was appointed the new chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University. May was named to the post after recently receiving his Ph.D in astrophysics after writing a doctoral thesis entitled “A Survey of Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud.” This, of course, is a direct continuation of his other scientific writings, including “Fat Bottomed Girls” and “Tie Your Mother Down.”
• The Very Worst •
Saudi Arabian courts have sentenced a woman who was gang-raped to 200 lashes and six months in jail–and disbarred her lawyer for trying to appeal her case. The woman, who was attacked while talking to a man in his car, is guilty of the crime of being in the presence of a man to whom she is not related. For those of you keeping track, Saudi Arabia is a key U.S. “ally” and we’ve gone to war to protect its interests, which apparently don’t include women.
VBVW for November 16: Courtside Seats
• The Very Best •
O.J. Simpson goes back on trial, and neither Lance Ito or Marcia Clark are involved. We hope O.J.’s nickname will still be “The Juice” when he meets his new cellmates.
Barry Bonds is indicted on charges relating to alleged steroid use. Finally.*
Dennis Kozlowski, the arrogant and unrepentant CEO who stole tens of millions of dollars from investors in Tyco, celebrated his 61st birthday. The party was held in his cell at the Mid-State Correctional Facility in Marcy, N.Y.
• The Very Worst •
A wild monkey attacked and severely injured schoolchildren in New Delhi. The city now admits that the 20,000 monkeys roaming its streets are a serious danger, although the fact that the deputy mayor fell from his balcony and died last month while trying to fight off a group of monkeys should have been a tip off. These simians make the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz look like Curious George.
Mother Nature continues to wreak worldwide havoc on the shipping industry. Four ships, including an oil tanker, went down during storms in the Baltic, hot on the heels of storms in the North Sea that shut down oil rigs and halted sea traffic, and the crash of a cargo ship into San Francisco’s Bay Bridge. This is the kind of global sea change that would make Popeye consider changing careers.
A mutant version of the common cold virus has killed 10 otherwise healthy people in the last 18 months, the CDC announced, and doctors can’t offer patients much more than chicken soup. We’re starting to think the boy in the plastic bubble had the right idea.
VBVW for November 9: Sleep with the Fishes
• The Very Best •
Italy captured Salvatore Lo Piccolo, the leader of the Sicilian Mafia. Obviously Mafia kingpins aren’t getting their customary level of respect now that The Sopranos is off the air.
Yahoo’s senior executives were reprimanded by Congress for helping China build a case against a journalist who has since been imprisoned. Our elected officials can’t crack the whip to get legislation passed, but they sure know how to deliver a good old-fashioned tongue lashing.
Citigroup tossed out its president and chairman after posting the worst losses in its history. No word yet as to who is spiking the Wall Street punch with ethics and accountability.
• The Very Worst •
Oil prices hit record levels of almost $100 a barrel. Eight years ago, oil was only $16 a barrel. Happy motoring.
An 18 year old student went on a killing spree in his high school. That’s not unusual in this day and age, unless the location happens to be the tiny country of Finland. Pekka-Eric Auvinen posted his plans on YouTube and then gunned down 8 people, including the principal. He wounded 10 others before graciously committing suicide. Finland? We thought student violence was an American specialty.
The highest court in England will decide if a man convicted of rape can be sued for damages now that he’s rich. Iorworth Hoare was broke when he was convicted, so his victim received nothing. But then the “Lotto Rapist” won 7 million pounds while on a day release from prison and was soon paroled, providing yet more evidence that (a) there is no God; or (b) there is a God, but he’s a real joker.
VBVW for November 2: Flying High, Flying Low
• The Very Best •
In the ramp-up to a Writer’s Guild strike, script and screenwriters have grabbed the television and film industries by the gonads and given ‘em a squeeze. Turns out that if you want to entertain people, someone has to write something entertaining.
Tennis star Martina Hingis retired from tennis after it was revealed that she had tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon. Tennis fans all over the world are thanking God it wasn’t steroids.
A new biography of Gerald Ford quotes the late president candidly characterizing Clinton as sexually addicted, Hillary as having “unlimited ambition” and Nixon as “just plain stupid.” He also thought Bush should drop Cheney and that Reagan was not “technically competent.” In other words, he knew what we knew.
• The Very Worst •
A child has been identified as the firestarter in one of Southern California’s many recent megablazes. This kid alone scorched more than 30,000 acres and 63 buildings. Boy, is his allowance going to take a hit or what?
Singapore Airlines, which is flying the new A380 jet with 12 bedroom compartments, has asked passengers to refrain from joining the “mile-high club.” The reason? The compartments aren’t soundproof and sexplay could disturb the other passengers. We think the airline should consider that a promotional feature, not a drawback.
Australia’s Family First Party, which promotes family values, dropped Andrew Quah from their ticket after porn images of the candidate surfaced online. “But that’s not my penis,” he protested. Quah has since been nicknamed Australia’s Smallest Loser.