VBVW for December 28: The 2007 Rearview Mirror

High highs and low lows. No, we’re not talking about 2007 — we’re talking about our holiday hangovers. But 2007 was a helluva year, with every week bringing news to both impress and depress us. For this week’s year-end edition, let’s relive moments from a selection of banner weeks. Have a VERY BEST end of the year from all of us at VBVW.

• The Very Best

May 11
The brightest supernova ever seen was viewed through the NASA’s x-ray Chandra telescope. Stars of this one’s super-massive size are extremely rare in the universe, and they usually usually collapse into black holes rather than exploding. And usually we don’t catch that Kodak moment.

June 8
Biologists claim to have discovered a way to use skin cells as stand-ins for stem cells. In effect, the skin cells can be reprogrammed to behave like cells of other organs in the body. Good thing, because George W. is about to veto stem cell research again, defying the will of the majority of Americans in favor of those who believe that Adam and Eve had a pet brontosaurus.

July 13
British forces denied rumours UK troops had introduced man-eating, bear-like beasts to hunt the locals. Word had been spreading among a very nervous populace about the appearance of huge and ferocious beasts, which turned out to be badgers seeking shelter from floods in the surrounding area. But maybe we’ve finally found a weapon that will work in the war on terror.

November 30
Nothing in California was burning this week.

• The Very Worst

January 21
The worst weather in years assaulted the planet, killing more than 70 people in North America and nearly three dozen in Europe. Hundred mile-an-hour winds, ice storms, and relentless rain resulted in power outages, airport shutdowns, remarkable car wrecks and building damage worldwide. Mother Nature has apparently decided enough is enough. Maybe we ought to start listening.

July 13
Pakistan troops stormed the Red Mosque and freed captives held by extremists demanding that the country adopt Sharia, or strict Muslim law. In the end, 75 inside the mosque died along with ten soldiers. One who didn’t die was the leader of the Mosque, who abandoned his followers and tried to sneak out dressed in a woman’s burkha.

September 21
Censorship runs amok. A student questioning John Kerry was tasered, Walt Disney Company is banning heavy metal bands from the House Of Blues near Disneyland, and eternal cupcake Sally Field was bleeped on the Emmys for either her language or her anti-war sentiment, take your pick. Can we get an amendment to defend our amendments?

November 16
A wild monkey attacked and severely injured schoolchildren in New Delhi. The city now admits that the 20,000 monkeys roaming its streets are a serious danger, although the fact that the deputy mayor fell from his balcony and died last month while trying to fight off a group of monkeys should have been a tip off. These simians make the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz look like Curious George.

VBVW for December 21: Rats

• The Very Best •

In contrast to the usual report of an eradicated species, this week a new species has been discovered. A giant rodent five times the size of a common New York City rat was found in the jungles of Indonesia. A century ago, Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a Sherlock Holmes tale about a ship in Indonesia “associated with the giant rat of Sumatra, a story for which the world is not yet prepared.” Considering these rats are the size of some dogs, we’re still not prepared.

A recent study found that sunlight may help to prevent lung cancer. Of course, sunlight is also a primary cause of skin cancer. The burning question: which do you least want to get?

Frederick Dominguez and his three kids were rescued by helicopter after being stranded in the snow for three days. The family had ventured into the woods of California in search of a Christmas tree when they nearly became this century’s very own Donner Party.

• The Very Worst •

In Rio de Janeiro, drug traffickers opened fire on a helicopter carrying a Santa Claus who was delivering toys to one of the city’s shanty towns. Rio has more than 700 shanty towns, mostly controlled by drug lords, and you can bet that it’s going to be raining coal on them come Christmas Eve.

Brazil, Chile, and Bolivia have agreed to create a highway that will run from coast to coast across South America. The road will be 2,900 miles long and is expected to be completed in 2009, providing drug smugglers with a smoother and more scenic ride.

As the Justice Department investigates the CIA for destroying videos of interrogations and torture, President Bush says he refuses to speak about the issue any further in public. Critics are sure they can get the President to talk if they electrocute his testicles.

VBVW for December 15: Performance Enhancers

• The Very Best •

Falcons quarterback and PETA poster boy Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison. Vick is to be remanded to a prison where we can only hope he’ll be treated like a labradoodle in heat.

Led Zeppelin’s reunion concert met with univeral acclaim. And while Robert Plant looks like Aqualung, the band played like it was 1975 all over again, providing the world with a tremendous, non-drug-induced flashback.

A coroner reported that metal vocalist Kevin DuBrow overdosed on cocaine. It’s a pity that anyone has to die, but if people want to cut right to the front of the line, we kind of wish Kevin had done it before the first Quiet Riot record.

• The Very Worst •

Lone gunmen shot up people in public spaces in Nebraska, Colorado and Las Vegas. At this rate, it might be safer to move to Baghdad.

Northeastern India is experiencing a phenomenon known as mautam — the “rat plague.” Millions of rats have shown up suddenly in the region and are destroying crops and eating stored food. Last month, VBVW reported on baboons running wild in the streets of New Delhi, India. And this is the country that’s taking all our computer jobs?

89 pro baseball players, including several potential Hall-of-Famers, are reported to have used steroids according to the findings of an independent investigation. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

VBVW for December 7: Planet Of The Dopes

• The Very Best •

Young chimpanzees stomped university students in memory tests conducted by Japanese researchers. In an experiment where subjects were shown numbers flashed on a screen and then tried to remember their position, young chimps were shown to have a near photographic memory, while the students might as well have slept in. This is the first empirical proof that 1) apes may have some mental capaibilities superior to those of humans, and 2) that “The Planet Of The Apes” may have been a documentary.

President Bush sent a letter to North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il seeking normalized relations, proving once and for all that he has heard of diplomacy and that he can write full sentences. No word on whether Kim can read, though.

Venezuelan voters rejected a referendum that would have turned their country into a socialist state. This ruins Hugo Chavez’s grand plans to follow in the world-changing footsteps of revered socialist and all around great guy, Fidel Castro.

• The Very Worst •

Evidence has emerged that U.S. intelligence knew Iran had halted nuclear arms development four years ago. But President Bush has continued to warn, as recently as this month, that we have to stop Iran’s arms programs if we’re “interested in avoiding World War III.” Well, Mr. President, we are interested. You?

Despite demands to turn them over, the CIA has erased two tapes that allegedly show agents engaged in torture. Apparently, our spooks don’t know the difference between waterboarding and Watergate.

Another American loser has gone on a shooting rampage with an assault weapon. This time, eight innocents were killed at a Nebraska mall. And not one of the candidates campaigning for president has had the testicles to openly challenge gun laws.