VBVW for December 7: Planet Of The Dopes

• The Very Best •

Young chimpanzees stomped university students in memory tests conducted by Japanese researchers. In an experiment where subjects were shown numbers flashed on a screen and then tried to remember their position, young chimps were shown to have a near photographic memory, while the students might as well have slept in. This is the first empirical proof that 1) apes may have some mental capaibilities superior to those of humans, and 2) that “The Planet Of The Apes” may have been a documentary.

President Bush sent a letter to North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il seeking normalized relations, proving once and for all that he has heard of diplomacy and that he can write full sentences. No word on whether Kim can read, though.

Venezuelan voters rejected a referendum that would have turned their country into a socialist state. This ruins Hugo Chavez’s grand plans to follow in the world-changing footsteps of revered socialist and all around great guy, Fidel Castro.

• The Very Worst •

Evidence has emerged that U.S. intelligence knew Iran had halted nuclear arms development four years ago. But President Bush has continued to warn, as recently as this month, that we have to stop Iran’s arms programs if we’re “interested in avoiding World War III.” Well, Mr. President, we are interested. You?

Despite demands to turn them over, the CIA has erased two tapes that allegedly show agents engaged in torture. Apparently, our spooks don’t know the difference between waterboarding and Watergate.

Another American loser has gone on a shooting rampage with an assault weapon. This time, eight innocents were killed at a Nebraska mall. And not one of the candidates campaigning for president has had the testicles to openly challenge gun laws.