VBVW reports on the Very Best and Very Worst of everything. Every week. VBVW Books are on the way.

News: Have a Cigar

VBVW for February 29, 2008: Have A Cigar

• The Very Best

At the United Nations, Cuba’s foreign minister signed two pacts committing the island nation to uphold international standards for political, economic, and social rights. All the other countries signed it in 1976, the year Fidel Castro became president.

Kenya’s President Mwai Kibaki and opposition leader Raila Odinga signed an agreement to end what has euphemistically been called “the country’s post-election crisis.” More than 1,500 people have been killed in this “crisis” based on their ethicity.

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are doing Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, and Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, and Huey Lewis are happy for them. Finally, a VERY BEST that is also very funny.

• The Very Worst

The euro hit a record high against the dollar, closing at over $1.50. That means the French, Italians, and Germans can fly roundtrip to America for about what you’re paying at Applebees. And for you, flying to Europe costs about the same as your monthly mortgage.

When John Lennon said the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, he caught hell for stating a plain fact. Now a poll to determine the top role models among British children shows that virgin-made Jesus is less popular than Virgin-made Richard Branson.

England had its biggest earthquake in a quarter century, measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale. Paul McCartney’s divorce proceedings this week sent bigger shockwaves through the populace.

News: Burgers And Fries

VBVW for February 22, 2008: Burgers And Fries

• The Very Best

Fidel Castro announced his retirement. His departure as the longest-term dictator in modern times removes any reasonable obstacles to the U.S. opening relations with Cuba . . . and getting some halfway decent cigars back on the market.

The U.S. military successfully used a missile to shoot down a dead spy satellite floating 130 miles over the Earth. The missile was launched from sea within a 10-second window and targeted to hit a section of the satellite no bigger than a trash can. Tell us again why this same military can’t find Osama Bin Laden in the caves of Pakistan.

Toshiba suspended development and marketing of its HD DVD format, which recently lost ground to Sony’s competing Blu-Ray format. Consumers will be spared a repeat of the Beta vs. VHS debacle, at least until Hollywood decides to come up with another media type that requires us all to buy new home entertainment equipment.

• The Very Worst

The Hallmark/Westland Meat Packing Company recalled 143 million pounds of beef after allegations that it has been processing sick cows in its plants. Most of this meat has already been consumed, much of it in school cafeterias, which is sure to be cited by lazy parents as a reason for students’ crappy test scores.

A dance craze in the Ivory Coast, called Bobaraba (”big bums”) has inspired women to seek treatment to increase the size of their derrieres. We already have a product for that in America; it’s called “the Big Mac.”

It was estimated that more people watched “American Idol” than watched any of the stunning total eclipse of the moon. That Americans find Paula Abdul more interesting than the wonders of our solar system remains one of the great mysteries of the universe.

News: Fire And Water Sports

VBVW for February 15, 2008: Fire And Water Sports

• The Very Best

The U.S. Senate passed a law to outlaw waterboarding. Of course, all the bad guys have already been subjected to this torture so it’s pretty much, as they say, water under the bridge.

Australia made a formal apology for “assimilating” some 100,000 Aboriginal children during the 20th century. The children were removed from their homes and sent to live in abusive government and church missions as part of an effort to “breed out the color” from their culture. What kind of godless country would exploit its own native population?

Singapore celebrated the inaugural flight of the world’s largest Ferris wheel, the 500-foot high Singapore Flyer. You can enjoy a cocktail while riding in your capsule or, for about $700, throw a private party 42 stories above Marina Bay. Just warn your guests that without onboard toilets, they’ll have to hold it in.

• The Very Worst

Namdaemun, the 610-year-old gate to ancient Seoul, was burned down. The 70-year-old arsonist responsible for torching South Korea’s most important national landmark was fresh out of jail for setting Seoul’s Changgyeong Palace on fire in 2006. Hey, Mr. Chae — time to retire.

General Motors reported losing $38.7 billion in 2007, the largest annual loss for a U.S. car manufacturer in history. That makes us feel bad, though not so bad that we’d buy an Impala.

Six different men won an online auction to have sex with a German woman. Now she’s pregnant and may have to sue the web site to get real identities for each of the potential fathers, whom she knew only by their screen names. Happy Valentine’s Day, Cybermom.

News: By The Numbers

VBVW for February 8, 2008: By The Numbers

• The Very Best

Sixty two members of the New York Mafia have been rounded up in one of the biggest organized crime stings in the last 30 years. Finally, real life is as interesting as The Sopranos.

A congressional committee has been convened to investigate Pfizer for deceptive tactics in ads for Lipitor, the world’s best-selling drug. Direct-to-consumer marketing of pharmaceuticals is already ethically questionable, and Pfizer’s creepy pitchman, Robert Jarvik, misrepresents himself in the ads as someone who is outdoorsy and who gives a crap.

Karen Burton, another member of the extended family of backwoods inbreds who tortured a black woman last September (as VBVW reported), has been indicted for a hate crime. Burton is expected to join her daughter, who’s testifying against her, and the rest of the toothless clan in prison. It’s “take out the trash day” in West Virginny.

• The Very Worst

Gun nuts stormed America. A man in Kirkwood, Missouri shot and killed five people at a city council meeting. A student at Louisiana Technical College in Baton Rouge killed two others and then herself in a classroom. Then there was Kurt Havelock, who sat in sight of the Super Bowl last Sunday with his AR-15 assault rifle and plotted to “shed the blood of the innocent.” That was because he couldn’t get a liquor license.

Nearly sixty were killed in tornadoes in the south. The storms arrived without little advance warning, which means that FEMA didn’t know anything about it until the disaster was already old news.

The journal Science reported that biofuels cause more greenhouse gas emissions than conventional fuels once all related emission costs are factored in. Come on America, can’t we use one single form of energy that doesn’t flush our environment down the toilet?

News: Turn On, Tune In, Buzz Off

VBVW for February 1, 2008: Turn On, Tune In, Buzz Off

• The Very Best

As the U.S. considers who will be next to lead us through the dark and difficult times ahead, a bright light has shone. Captain America lives again!

Undeterred by a looming threat from the DEA, inventor Vincent Mehdizadeh has installed three marijuana-dispensing vending machines in Los Angeles (including one at the Timothy Leary Medical Dispensary in the San Fernando Valley). If you have a medical permit you can buy dope at the press of a button. And when the munchies hit, you can go back for a Snickers.

The World Health Organization has reported a sharp decline in the number of deaths from malaria in Africa, thanks to widespread distribution of new meds and mosquito nets. WHO predicts they can drop rates by up to 85% in most African nations within five years.

• The Very Worst

You know that urban legend about the guy waking up from a rough night only to find that his kidneys had been removed? Well, more than 400 people in Gurgaon, India are living that legend. Day laborers were duped into accepting jobs and found themselves waking up on tables with no kidneys, and a group of doctors is suspected of selling the organs to rich foreigners. India, of course, is fast becoming the VERY WORST of everything, as the country is besieged by killer monkeys, a rat plague, and earthquakes. On the plus side, so far they’ve only taken American jobs, not American kidneys.

Tomas Delgado dropped his lawsuit against the family of a boy he killed in an auto accident. Driving an estimated 107 miles per hour, Delgado hit Enaitz Trinidad and his bicycle from behind, dragging the 17-year old more than 100 yards in the process. After being found not criminally liable for the death, Delgado had sued Enaitz’s family for damage sustained by his luxury Audi sedan in the crash.

The United Nations refugee agency claims that Thailand has refused to allow a group of 20 Kayan women from Burma to leave the country, despite offers to resettle them in Finland and New Zealand. The women, who have artificially elongated their necks using stacked brass rings, have become a Thai tourist attraction. The UN says authorities won’t let them leave their “human zoo” for fear of losing tourist dollars.