VBVW for February 22, 2008: Burgers And Fries

• The Very Best

Fidel Castro announced his retirement. His departure as the longest-term dictator in modern times removes any reasonable obstacles to the U.S. opening relations with Cuba . . . and getting some halfway decent cigars back on the market.

The U.S. military successfully used a missile to shoot down a dead spy satellite floating 130 miles over the Earth. The missile was launched from sea within a 10-second window and targeted to hit a section of the satellite no bigger than a trash can. Tell us again why this same military can’t find Osama Bin Laden in the caves of Pakistan.

Toshiba suspended development and marketing of its HD DVD format, which recently lost ground to Sony’s competing Blu-Ray format. Consumers will be spared a repeat of the Beta vs. VHS debacle, at least until Hollywood decides to come up with another media type that requires us all to buy new home entertainment equipment.

• The Very Worst

The Hallmark/Westland Meat Packing Company recalled 143 million pounds of beef after allegations that it has been processing sick cows in its plants. Most of this meat has already been consumed, much of it in school cafeterias, which is sure to be cited by lazy parents as a reason for students’ crappy test scores.

A dance craze in the Ivory Coast, called Bobaraba (”big bums”) has inspired women to seek treatment to increase the size of their derrieres. We already have a product for that in America; it’s called “the Big Mac.”

It was estimated that more people watched “American Idol” than watched any of the stunning total eclipse of the moon. That Americans find Paula Abdul more interesting than the wonders of our solar system remains one of the great mysteries of the universe.