VBVW reports on the Very Best and Very Worst of everything. Every week. VBVW Books are on the way.

News: No One Can Hear You Scream

VBVW for March 28, 2008: No One Can Hear You Scream

• The Very Best

James Carville did not apologize for characterizing Bill Richardson as a Judas. “I was quoted accurately and in context, and I was glad to give the quote and I was glad I gave it,” said the perennially sour Carville. Whether or not one agrees with Carville’s biblical blast, it’s outstanding to see a DC-insider stand by his word instead of “misspeaking.”

Bear Stearns chairman James Cayne sold his stake in the company he drove into the ground for $61 million. While that’s a lot of money, his holdings were once worth over a billion dollars. Finally, a CEO has tangible proof as to how crappy his job performance really was.

The crew of space shuttle Endeavour returned to Earth safely after 16 days’ work on the international space station, which included installing Dextre, a $260M Canadian robot. Dextre said it was “amazing to see Earth from way oot there.”

• The Very Worst

A U.S. appeals court struck down a New York bill that would have penalized airlines for not providing basics like water and fresh air when flights are delayed more than three hours. The appellate court determined that sponsors of the law were mistaking airline passengers for humans.

China’s communist government has cracked down on Tibetan protesters by shooting civilians, monks and nuns. We really hope that this is not the way they plan on treating unruly spectators during the Olympics.

The US has been providing munitions to Afghan forces fighting Al Quaeda and the Taliban through a company led by a 22 year old and his vice president, a licensed masseuse. AEY Inc has been giving the Afghanis munitions made in 1966, including obsolete guns and ammo from former Communist stockpiles. AEY’s executives said that if the soldiers don’t want to get jerked around they shouldn’t ask for the rub ‘n tug.

News: Biblical Portions

VBVW for March 21, 2008: Biblical Portions

• The Very Best

Happy 5th anniversary, Iraq war! The traditional gift is wood, so we’ll see if there’s any left to burn.

Melvyn I. Weiss has become the latest powerful attorney to face prison time and hefty fines for a federal offense. Weiss was paying off plaintiffs in class-action suits to ensure that his firm, Milberg Weiss, was positioned to control litigation and collect the lion’s share of enormous legal fees. Another fine example of truth, justice, and the real American way.

MIT has chosen four winning teams in its contest to develop plans for a “just Jerusalem” that can be shared by all. VBVW is anxious to learn if any of the urban developers or sociologists simply suggested paving over it.

• The Very Worst

The Federal Reserve Bank helped bail out Bear Stearns at the price of $2 a share, a mere rounding error compared to the $170 a share price the bank commanded this time last year. And instead of seeing danger signs, Wall Street reacted with its best day in almost 6 years.

Tibetan protests against China got so violent that the Dalai Lama announced he would quit his job out of frustration. Under the circumstances, we think he ought to consider “What would Jesus do?”

After a freak tornado hit downtown Atlanta, floods ravaged the rest of the South and Midwest, shutting down DFW airport and sucking a boy into a drainage pipe. Even Noah would think twice about going outside these days.

News: Warning — God is Watching

VBVW for March 14, 2008: Warning — God is Watching

• The Very Best

Michael Heller, a Roman Catholic priest, won the largest philanthropic award on the planet, the $1.6 million Templeton Prize. He won for his philosophical and cosmological musings on whether or not there is a reason for the existence of the universe. Dude, we so should have won that prize in our freshman year of college.

The U.S. Treasury unveiled a new $5 bill featuring the color purple. This disproves the long-running complaint that U.S. Treasury designers are allowed to use only the green crayons in their coloring boxes.

The cast of Ocean’s Eleven donated $500,000 in aid to Darfur via the United Nations World Food Program. Nice to see Hollywood spending cash on something other than rehab.

• The Very Worst

President Bush defended the war in Iraq to Christian broadcasters in Tennessee, explaining that his policies reflect God’s will and that “every human being bears the image of their master.” Um, Mr. President? Your master looks like Curious George.

A study of four common sexually transmitted diseases among girls and young women has found that one in four are infected with at least one of the STD’s, federal health officials reported Tuesday. One quarter of all teenage girls are now officially “skanky.”

Grave robbers in Liberia have looted tombs to steal coffins and railings for resale. One day before a memorial holiday when the nation decorates the graves of loved ones, inspectors at the main cemetery in the capital city found more than 2,000 graves were empty.

News: High Crimes & Misdemeanors

VBVW for March 7, 2008: High Crimes & Misdemeanors

• The Very Best

The world’s most wanted arms dealer, 41-year old Viktor Bout, was captured in Thailand. Known as “The Merchant Of Death,” Bout is a former Russian pilot who is alleged to have provided weapons to Colombia, Liberia, Afghanistan, the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and war zones in Africa and Eastern Europe. Didn’t his mom ever tell him not to play with guns?

Two towns in Vermont have voted to have President Bush and VP Cheney arrested for crimes against the Constitution. In his eight years as President, Bush has never visited Vermont, fearful of being doused—liberally—in maple syrup.

Forbes Magazine reports that there are 1,124 billionaires in the world, with a combined net worth of $4.4 trillion dollars. And guess what? Bill Gates is not the wealthiest one this time around. Then again, neither are you.

• The Very Worst

The FAA has accused Southwest Airlines of flying 46 airplanes on 59,791 flights after being told the planes were unsafe to fly. Southwest is currently the most profitable airline in America, probably because it saves money by skipping over things like pesky repairs and routine maintenance.

A former sailor for the Navy was found guilty of leaking information to terrorists about the movement of US battleships, which may have contributed to the bombing of USS Cole in 2000. May American-born Hassan Abu-Jihaad be sentenced to scrubbing the propeller of a warship with a toothbrush and no air tank. While it’s running.

Lou Pearlman, the man who launched the careers of N’Sync and The Backstreet Boys, was found guilty of investment and banking frauds that cost his victims some $300 million. He could face up to 25 years in jail, which would be a slap on the wrist given that he should be put to death for foisting his nauseating boy bands on popular culture.