VBVW for March 14, 2008: Warning — God is Watching

• The Very Best

Michael Heller, a Roman Catholic priest, won the largest philanthropic award on the planet, the $1.6 million Templeton Prize. He won for his philosophical and cosmological musings on whether or not there is a reason for the existence of the universe. Dude, we so should have won that prize in our freshman year of college.

The U.S. Treasury unveiled a new $5 bill featuring the color purple. This disproves the long-running complaint that U.S. Treasury designers are allowed to use only the green crayons in their coloring boxes.

The cast of Ocean’s Eleven donated $500,000 in aid to Darfur via the United Nations World Food Program. Nice to see Hollywood spending cash on something other than rehab.

• The Very Worst

President Bush defended the war in Iraq to Christian broadcasters in Tennessee, explaining that his policies reflect God’s will and that “every human being bears the image of their master.” Um, Mr. President? Your master looks like Curious George.

A study of four common sexually transmitted diseases among girls and young women has found that one in four are infected with at least one of the STD’s, federal health officials reported Tuesday. One quarter of all teenage girls are now officially “skanky.”

Grave robbers in Liberia have looted tombs to steal coffins and railings for resale. One day before a memorial holiday when the nation decorates the graves of loved ones, inspectors at the main cemetery in the capital city found more than 2,000 graves were empty.