VBVW for April 25, 2008: It Blowed Up Real Good
• The Very Best
In celebration of Hubble Telescope’s 18th anniversary, scientists have made available the largest collection of Hubble images ever released. Fifty-nine images of galaxies colliding serve as reminders that the universe just may go on without us.
Sam’s Club announced that it is rationing rice in the U.S. due to in part to the “Silent Tsunami” of food shortages around the world. The rice limit per customer per visit? Four 20 pound bags, or 80 pounds of rice per visit. We hope that’ll hold you through the weekend.
The Taliban blew up two ancient Buddha monuments in Afghanistan back in 2001, pissing off the entire world. However, a very bright lining to that cloud: archaelogists have now found the world’s oldest oil paintings on the cave walls behind the ruined Buddhas. Those wacky Taliban just can’t get a break when it comes to eradicating other people’s cultures.
• The Very Worst
13 so-called sorcerers in the Congo have been arrested on the charge of penis-snatching. Numerous men with penis panic claim workers of witchcraft have shrunken or stolen their junk. Now we know what happened to Nancy Grace.
Ben-Ami Kadish, 84, acknowledged he spied on America for Israel in the 1980s. Kadish handed over secrets regarding nuclear weapons, fighter jets and air defense missiles to the Israelis. With friends like these, who needs Iran? Oh wait, we know — it’s…
Hillary Clinton. Clinton announced this week she is ready to open a canister of whoopass — a nuclear canister, that is — on Iran if they lay a finger on Israel. The saber-rattling campaigner said Iran needs to know we could “totally obliterate” them if they were to cross our “ally” (see above) in the region. Big talk for someone who could barely conquer Pennsylvania.
VBVW for April 18, 2008: Feel the Love
• The Very Best
Workers in Finland, who already get 35 days of vacation a year, are now being given an extra week of vacation as a “love week” to help combat marital strife and a rising divorce rate. We’re betting that most couples use that week to take separate vacations.
T. Boone Pickens, who has made a fortune in the oil business, is spending $10 billion to build the world’s largest wind farm. If he builds it over an oil field, we’ll nominate him for a Nobel.
The Pope says he’s ashamed of the priesthood’s sex abuse. Really? What made him change his mind?
• The Very Worst
The Democratic debates focused on the key issues so important to the American voter: can Hillary beat McCain, can Obama beat McCain, did Hillary really dodge sniper fire, is Obama elitist….. With this kind of hard-hitting discussion, it’s no wonder that twice as many Americans decided to watch Americal Idol.
Citibank posted a $5 billion loss, and Merrill Lynch posted a $9 billion loss and is laying off 4,000. If the clown in the White House was named Hoover, it would be 1932 all over again.
Northwest and Delta want to merge to form the world’s biggest airline. One less competitor means you now have fewer choices to fly the unfriendly skies. Pretty soon your choice of carrier will be skimpier than the $5 in-flight snacks they serve.
VBVW for April 11, 2008: Going For The Gold
• The Very Best
While the Olympic torch continues to dodge protesters wielding fire extinguishers, the Very Best thing China can report on the Olympics is that authorities have detained terrorists who were planning bomb attacks and meat poisoning at the games. Surely everything will be fine now.
20-year-old Abbey Curran is the Miss Iowa contestant in this year’s Miss USA pageant. Abbey has cerebral palsy. Couple this astounding event with a black guy who has a shot at being president, and you might just start to believe that America is once again the land of opportunity.
Hillary Clinton is against the proposed U.S. free trade agreement with Colombia. Her husband (Bill Clinton) and her former chief strategist (Mark Penn) have been paid more than $1 million to help Colombia get that same agreement passed. If this isn’t the basis for the greatest sitcom of all time, we don’t know what is.
• The Very Worst
In Florida, every day is take-your-gun-to-work day. Though sharply opposed by business owners, lawmakers passed a bill allowing anyone with a permit to bring their firearm to work. Now if only we could get more of those guns into our nation’s schools….
What is wrong with this picture? Government starts a war which leads to high fuel prices; airline loses money due to high cost of fuel; airline cuts operating costs, including maintenance, to save money; government forces airline to ground planes for cutting maintenance; airline goes broke; government bails out airline. Now that’s American.
The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Eldorado, Texas finally turned over hundreds of children to the state after the church compound was raided. Many of those children were the wives of old men. And you thought Catholic priests had a monopoly on sexual deviance.
VBVW for April 4, 2008: Smarty Pants
• The Very Best
Eleven-year-old Kenton Stufflebeam pointed out to officials at the Smithsonian Institution that a 27-year old exhibit had improperly labeled “Precambrian” as an era (it is, in fact, a unit of time). Unable to break a bad habit, the Smithsonian sent Stufflebeam a letter to acknowledge his finding but mislabeled the envelope sent to him.
Apple surpassed Wal-Mart as the largest retailer of music in the U.S. However, Wal-Mart still beats Apple when it comes to selling crappy Chinese imports, guns, and real apples.
The St. Paul City Council has asked the state legislature to pass a bill that will allow the sale of alcohol until 4 AM during the 11 days that it hosts the Republican National Convention–two hours past the current last call. If the city ever hosts the Democratic National Convention, expect to see a week-long legalization of marijuana.
• The Very Worst
Billionaire entrepreneur and philanthropist Ted Turner told an interviewer that in 30 to 40 years all of the world’s crops will be gone and that the human race will have to rely on cannibalism to survive. That’s what happens when your world is defined by being the ex-Mr. Jane Fonda.
Google announced the layoff of 300 employees. So we’re guessing that the search results for the phrase “job security” no longer returns the name Google.
A new formula devised by the Department of Homeland Security shows that the western U.S. city most vulnerable to terrorist attack is not Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego or Phoenix. It is, instead, Boise, Idaho. Boise is the only Western city in the Top 10 (it is actually number 10), and government analysts aren’t quite sure how that happened. Doesn’t that make you feel secure?
