VBVW for June 27, 2008: Time Heals, Though Not Really
• The Very Best
Kids will have to walk farther to school as districts cut back on bus service due to the high cost of fuel. At first this seems like a Very Worst, but it’s really a win win: burn less gasoline, and at the same time get the little tykes to burn off some of that mounting childhood obesity.
The Phoenix Mars Lander has sampled Martian soil, and NASA scientists believe it contains the nutrients to support life. A spokesman said, “You may even be able to grow asparagus in it really well.” Way to dream big, space nerd.
After 33 years, Bill Gates is stepping away from Microsoft to dedicate his time to charitable causes. Now, is this a Very Best because his reign is ended or because he’s now a full-on philanthropist? C’mon, don’t be so cynical.
• The Very Worst
The U.S. Supreme Court overturned a ruling to have Exxon pay 2.5 billion in punitive damages for the Valdez disaster. It takes Exxon less than two days to make $2.5 billion in revenue (no joke). But 19 years after the spill, fisheries are still recovering.
George Carlin died. Everyone has eulogized him as the man who created “The Seven Words You Can’t Say On TV.” More importantly, he said “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” How right he was.
Hollywood cutie Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend defrauded his way into millions of dollars by claiming he was the CFO for the Vatican . . . and no one bothered to check. Holy Mother of God, how come we never thought of that one?
VBVW for June 20, 2008: The Rain In Plains
• The Very Best
Two former managers at Bear Stearns have been arrested for securities fraud. Ralph Cioffi and Matthew Tannin are the first Wall Streeters to get busted for taking part in the subprime mortgage crisis, and we can only hope they lose their freedom–as well as their homes–as part of their eventual punishment.
Same-sex couples rushed from their home states to wed in California. The Golden State is reaping the awards from hosting gay and lesbian weddings and parties. The big numbers will really kick in when the divorce lawyers start getting a piece of the action.
Americans in some states are crossing into Mexico to get government-subsidized cheap gas, at a price about 90 cents a gallon less than in the U.S. Now the Mexican government is getting a taste for how it feels to have people sneaking over the border without visas.
• The Very Worst
A foot of rain has been dumped on the Midwest this month, collapsing levees, shutting down factories, and destroying farmland. Some have suggested the flooding is fundamentally a human error caused by re-engineering landscapes without regard to nature’s design. Of course, the people who made those suggestions are now underwater.
President Bush is exploiting record oil prices with a last-ditch attempt to lift a decades-old ban on domestic drilling. Guess who stands to make billions of dollars from this plan? Just a few small businesses that go by the names ExxonMobil, Chevron, BP . . .
Rocco Mediate played 91 holes of some of the greatest golf in history, and certainly the greatest game he will ever play. The only downside to his remarkable round was his opponent: Tiger Woods, who beat Rocco even with a fractured leg. That had to be a tough one to swallow.
VBVW for June 13, 2008: Triskaidekaphobia
• The Very Best
IBM and Los Alamos Laboratory unveiled a computer called Roadrunner that can perform one quadrillion operations per second. Here’s how fast that is: if every person on Earth did calculations on a calculator for 24 hours at a time, it would take all of them 46 years to do what the Roadrunner can do in one day. The best part? The computer was built using chips designed for video games.
Life expectancy in the U.S. has reached an all-time high. The National Center for Health Statistics says that children born in 2006 will on average live past the age of 78. Providing, of course, that they occasionally do something healthier than text each other 24 hours a day.
Belgian beer giant InBev has embarked on a $46 billion takeover of Anheuser-Busch. Budweiser guzzlers are crying foul that the most of American of beers will be owned by foreigners, but maybe the Belgians can make Bud Light worth drinking again.
• The Very Worst
Flooding destroyed crops in the Midwest and stopped traffic on the Mississippi River. California is having its worst drought in twenty years. Tornadoes killed boy scouts. We haven’t checked the forecast, but we’re betting that locusts and fire from heaven are just around the corner.
Two separate crane accidents occurred in Dallas, killing one and injuring several others. Bizarre crane deaths are on the rise across the country this year, making cranes the mechanical equivalent of Ted Bundy.
Triple Crown hopeful Big Brown came in dead last at the Belmont, the first time that’s ever happened to the expected winner. The horse’s owners are blaming cracked hooves, but according to recent Derby loser Eight Belles, things could have been a lot worse.
VBVW for June 6, 2008: Flyover People
• The Very Best
Defense Secretary Robert Gates fired two high-ranking Air Force officials following an inquiry into the bungled management of nuclear weapons. A few misplaced warheads and these guys get the pink slip? Jeez. Harsh.
Hillary is “suspending” her run for the presidential nomination. It’s still a long way from bowing out gracefully, but voters have learned not to expect grace of a U.S. politician. They say it ain’t over till the fat lady sings, and we haven’t heard her crooning “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” yet.
Bushnell, makers of binoculars and field gear, and Field & Stream magazine have launched a unique photo challenge. They’re offering $1,000,000 for a verifiable snapshot of Bigfoot. Grab your camera and check all the spider holes.
• The Very Worst
Home foreclosures have reached the highest rate in 30 years. Ed McMahon’s house is one of the thousands facing foreclosure. Guess he wasn’t at home when that check from Publisher’s Clearinghouse arrived.
Airlines announced plans to lay off some 4,000 workers this week, meaning there will be even fewer people to choke when your $1000 flight is delayed. The cost of some one-way flights in the United States have jumped more than 300 percent in one year, just in case you’re keeping tabs on the full measure of pain.
Suppliers to the Pentagon have rung up more than a quarter of a trillion dollars in cost overruns, with delays running nearly two years. Forget hedge funds and the oil industry — the real money is in military contracting. Let’s just hope the Iraq War lasts long enough for contractors to see a payoff.
