VBVW for July 25, 2008: Darker Nights
• The Very Best
Radovan Karadžić, was captured. An architect of one of the worst genocides since World War II, this alleged Yugolsavian “poet statesman” is easily on of the world’s most vile human beings. If he gets what he deserves, people throughout Serbia will be singing “ding, dong, the witch is dead.”
Activist Dan Glass attempted to superglue himself to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. As far as forms of protest go, this ranks among our all-time favorites.
“The Dark Knight” set box office records all over the world. Not only is the Caped Crusader our favorite superhero, but you’ve got to figure that this makes Bruce Wayne almost as rich as Bill Gates.
• The Very Worst
Zimbabwe’s central bank is introducing a new $100 billion dollar bank note. The new bill is designed to address the country’s 2.2 million percent inflation rate. Against the U.S. dollar, it is worth 800,000,000 to 1, which is enough to buy two loaves of bread in Zimbabwe. If you can even find bread.
A Los Angeles community is proposing to ban the construction of any new fast food restaurants in order to curb citizen obesity. When the government starts telling you that you can’t eat a Big Mac or a Nacho del Grande, you know the brownshirts and jackboots can’t be far behind.
The Chinese government is issuing orders to restrict food and hotel service to blacks, entertainers, and other “undesirable” tourists during the Olympics. In this case, the jackboots are already on and polished.
VBVW for July 18, 2008: Over Here, Over There
• The Very Best
Chinese restaurants in Bejing have been instructed not to serve dog meat during the 2008 Summer Olympics. They will, however, continue to serve donkey meat. Lassie is breathing a little easier tonight. Shrek’s sidekick . . . not so much.
The prosecutor for the International Criminal Court issued a warrant for the arrest of Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir as an international war criminal. Wow–after only millions of deaths, somebody’s finally paying attention over there.
The FDA says it’s okay for you to eat tomatoes again. But considering the agency still hasn’t found the source of the salmonella outbreak, it’s a good excuse to eat ice cream instead.
• The Very Worst
Several dozen people were seriously injured after a spinning theme-park ride collapsed in Gothenburg, Sweden. Following in the wake of other carnival calamities, maybe it’s time to just turn amusement parks into giant mortuary rides.
General Motors announced plans cut 20% of its work force. Once upon a time, GM was the largest employer in the U.S. and adhered to the mottto “What’s good for GM is good for America.” Today, it’s a shadow of its former self. Now Wal-Mart is the biggest employer in this country. Let that sink in for a moment.
The Bush Administration proposed a $300 billion bailout of mortgage lenders. Meanwhile, Congress argues over whether millions of foreclosed homeowners should get help or be blamed for their own lack of fiscal expertise. Do we really need to remind you who’s getting screwed here?
VBVW for July 11, 2008: Downward, Ho
• The Very Best
In trying to prove to the world that it is a serious military threat, Iran published photos of recent missile tests. Turns out the photos were doctored to show more missiles than actually exist. Thankfully, Iran’s politicians are better at using Photoshop than at building weapons.
Utah and other states are proposing a 4-day government work week to save money. That means one less day every week that you have to put up with surly government employees.
Verizon Wireless was forced into settling a class-action lawsuit over early termination fees — you know, those $250 charges for changing cell-phone providers. The $21 million settlement is a warning shot for other carriers, who may have to abandon the manipulative practice. We would call them to laugh in their face but we can’t get a signal.
• The Very Worst
The latest salmonella outbreak has severely sickened over 1,000 people, and now the CDC and FDA are looking at everything from jalapenos to salsa. Both agencies admit they have no idea where the salmonella came from. Is there anything a U.S. government oversight agency can do thoroughly, other than screw up?
A worldwide study of coral reefs shows that one-third of coral-producing species are in danger of extinction. If the reefs disappear, so do the fish.
Fed chairman Ben Bernanke is being blamed by some economists for ruts in the stock market and in the banking industry. As the economy continues to tumble like an old lady on a staircase, we have to wonder: Would they ever have pointed the finger at Alan Greenspan?
VBVW for July 4, 2008: Hit You Where You Live
• The Very Best
Fifteen hostages held by Columbian guerillas were saved in a daring rescue. French-Colombian politician Ingrid Betancourt and three Americans were among those flown to safety when captors thought they were being helicoptered to a meeting with rebel leader Alfonso Cano. Suckers!
The ball Barry Bonds hit to break the home run record was donated to the Baseball Hall of Fame, but not before its donor marked it with an asterisk to remind history of Bonds’ steroid controversy. Bonds called donor Marc Ecko “an idiot.” We call Bonds busted.
Gender-swapper Thomas Beatie, who began life as a woman, has given birth to a healthy child. The baby is a girl but can always get a penis later.
• The Very Worst
Anyone hoping to see gas drop below $4 again in their lifetime hasn’t been paying attention. While American politicians dither over whether or not we should be drilling for our own oil, OPEC told the U.S. to get ready for the price of oil to reach $170 a barrel by the end of the year. It’s currently at $145 a barrel.
Consumption of tofu, a soy-based staple of the super-healthy, may contribute to dementia in people past middle-age. Finding tofu flavorful or filling is already seen as an indication of mental lapse.
A district court judge in New York ruled that YouTube must divulge user data showing the viewing habits of every user who has ever viewed a vid on the site. If they’re looking at our data, we swear somebody else has been using our computer.