VBVW for August 29, 2008: Labored Days
• The Very Best
Barack Obama became the first African-American to accept the Presidential nomination of a major U.S. political party. Of course, he was also the first one to be offered it, but at least we’re making progress.
The 2008 Olympic Games came to a superb end, which means no more Bob Costas on primetime.
Georgia’s Clayton County school district lost its accreditation, the first school district to achieve that stellar distinction in almost 40 years. While this seems like a very worst, the fact that someone is finally paying attention to crappy U.S. schools makes it a very best.
• The Very Worst
Vladimir Putin blamed America for instigating the war in a Georgia as an election year tactic. Who would have figured that formerly important world leader Putin and his BFF George Bush would morph into Tweedledee and Tweedledumshit?
We love irony here at VBVW, but even this is too much for us: Dave Freeman, the author of “100 Things To Do Before You Die” died. He considered himself an adventure traveler, and was only up to about 50 of the things he wrote about when he fell and hit his head in the safety of his own house.
Air Canada is removing life vests from some flights to cut down on aircraft weight. The company says the move will help save fuel, although it probably won’t help save lives.
VBVW for August 22, 2008: Cold Turkeys
• The Very Best
By week’s end, swimmer Michael Phelps had won his 8th gold medal. Now the 23-year old stands to make $40 million in endorsements. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
The number of people expected to be driving to a vacation over this Labor Day is down by nearly 10% due to high fuel prices. So what’s the upside? Fewer drivers means fewer traffic fatalities. More than 500 people usually die on U.S. highways over this holiday weekend.
Gwen Stefani had another baby, which may forestall husband Gavin Rossdale from making a record for a few more years.
• The Very Worst
The United States and Poland signed an agreement to create a missile shield, a veiled jab at Russia and its aggression towards Georgia. Is it just us, or is it suddenly cold inside this war?
North Korea has named Sweden — a neutral country — its enemy. Apparently, Kim Jong Il is running out of countries that he thinks he can intimidate.
Michael Thweatt, the school superintendent of Harrold, Texas, recommended that all teachers be equipped with guns in order to deal with possible student violence involving guns. Somewhere, Charlton Heston is looking up from the flames and doing a victory wave.
VBVW for August 15, 2008: The Thrill Of Victory
• The Very Best
U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps has 12 gold medals, more than any other Olympian. A noble feat diminished only by bitter has-been Mark Spitz whining that he could have won that many given the chance.
McHale’s Navy star Ernest Borgnine said during a talk show that the secret to his youthfulness at age 91 is that he masturbates a lot. Wow, looks like the nuns were way wrong.
Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon, was denied parole for the fifth time. Why do we even consider letting this sorry excuse for a human back out on the streets?
• The Very Worst
American Airlines was fined more than $7 million for safety and maintenance violations. This came two days after the airline started charging soldiers luggage fees to check extra bags as they flew to report for active war duty. Perhaps the company’s execs should just drop the pretense of decency and start calling it Un-American Airlines.
Holier-than-thou John Edwards admitted to having an affair in 2006. It’s okay, though; he was careful to note that wife Elizabeth’s cancer was in remission at the time.
The Communist government of China used a stand-in to take the place of a little girl selected to sing at the opening of the Olympic games. A government official claimed that 7-year-old Yang Peiyi was not cute enough, so stand-in Lin Miaoke lip-synced the song. When the government crushes a little girl’s dream because of her looks, you know something is wrong.
VBVW for August 8, 2008: High Life and Lowlifes
• The Very Best
New Zealand is using whey, a dairy byproduct, for fuel. Somewhere, Little Miss Muffett is cheering.
Amerithrax perpetrator and admitted perv Bruce Ivins committed suicide. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Paris Hilton made a funny.
• The Very Worst
Eleven climbers died this week on K2, the worst toll since a disastrous two weeks back in 1986 claimed 13 lives.
Beijing officials are calling the city’s pea-soup smog “mist” and the Olympic committee is calling it “fog.” Either way, nobody wants to breathe China’s air. This is the country that’s beating the rest of the world in commerce and growth?
Hillary Clinton is hinting that her delegates should disrupt the Democratic National Convention if she and her husband aren’t given the appropriate respect. She called it a “Greek drama.” Thing is, she’s the only one who thinks it’s a tragedy.
VBVW for August 1, 2008: Going Nowhere Fast
• The Very Best
As a result of Americans driving less, gas prices actually fell below $4 per gallon. Woo-hooo! Now we can hardly afford not to drive.
Sister restaurants Bennigans and Steak & Ale filed for bankruptcy this week. The closing of both restaurants, which wallpapered their interiors with Americana, is the latest indicator of consumers limiting their spending. On the plus side, anyone shopping for a canoe and a snowshoe can buy them at a bargain.
40 years after cigarettes were stamped with a health warning, the House of Representatives has voted to have the FDA regulate tobacco products. The agency could use such power to limit the addictiveness of cigarettes. Or they could wait 40 years for another six million people to croak from lung cancer.
• The Very Worst
Alaska senator Ted Stevens has been indicted for fraud after failing to disclose over $250,000 in gifts from an oil company. Stevens had been known for directing federal monies to Alaska, and championed the infamous Bridge To Nowhere. At last, he’s headed there.
A new art installation at Coney Island, where New York City goes to relax, features an animatronic diorama of a prisoner being waterboarded. Thanks, but if we want to puke we’ll get on the Cyclone.
New anti-abortion legislation drafted by the Bush administration moves back the line determining at what point life begins. The proposal classifies many popular methods of contraception, including birth control pills, as abortion. Soon the dawn of a new life will be traceable to morning wood.
