VBVW for August 1, 2008: Going Nowhere Fast

• The Very Best

As a result of Americans driving less, gas prices actually fell below $4 per gallon. Woo-hooo! Now we can hardly afford not to drive.

Sister restaurants Bennigans and Steak & Ale filed for bankruptcy this week. The closing of both restaurants, which wallpapered their interiors with Americana, is the latest indicator of consumers limiting their spending. On the plus side, anyone shopping for a canoe and a snowshoe can buy them at a bargain.

40 years after cigarettes were stamped with a health warning, the House of Representatives has voted to have the FDA regulate tobacco products. The agency could use such power to limit the addictiveness of cigarettes. Or they could wait 40 years for another six million people to croak from lung cancer.

• The Very Worst

Alaska senator Ted Stevens has been indicted for fraud after failing to disclose over $250,000 in gifts from an oil company. Stevens had been known for directing federal monies to Alaska, and championed the infamous Bridge To Nowhere. At last, he’s headed there. 

A new art installation at Coney Island, where New York City goes to relax, features an animatronic diorama of a prisoner being waterboarded. Thanks, but if we want to puke we’ll get on the Cyclone.

New anti-abortion legislation drafted by the Bush administration moves back the line determining at what point life begins. The proposal classifies many popular methods of contraception, including birth control pills, as abortion. Soon the dawn of a new life will be traceable to morning wood.