VBVW for August 15, 2008: The Thrill Of Victory

• The Very Best

U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps has 12 gold medals, more than any other Olympian. A noble feat diminished only by bitter has-been Mark Spitz whining that he could have won that many given the chance.

McHale’s Navy star Ernest Borgnine said during a talk show that the secret to his youthfulness at age 91 is that he masturbates a lot. Wow, looks like the nuns were way wrong.

Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon, was denied parole for the fifth time. Why do we even consider letting this sorry excuse for a human back out on the streets?

• The Very Worst

American Airlines was fined more than $7 million for safety and maintenance violations. This came two days after the airline started charging soldiers luggage fees to check extra bags as they flew to report for active war duty. Perhaps the company’s execs should just drop the pretense of decency and start calling it Un-American Airlines.

Holier-than-thou John Edwards admitted to having an affair in 2006. It’s okay, though; he was careful to note that wife Elizabeth’s cancer was in remission at the time.

The Communist government of China used a stand-in to take the place of a little girl selected to sing at the opening of the Olympic games. A government official claimed that 7-year-old Yang Peiyi was not cute enough, so stand-in Lin Miaoke lip-synced the song. When the government crushes a little girl’s dream because of her looks, you know something is wrong.