VBVW for September 26, 2008: Setting Bail
• The Very Best
The FBI is investigating the possibility that the current financial crisis was caused by criminal behavior at institutions like Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and Lehman Brothers. It’s about time the feds started using the word “jail” instead of “bail” in this mess.
The Chinese launched their third successful manned spaceflight, making the country a serious competitor to Russia and the U.S. in future space endeavors. Hope the astronauts are drinking Tang and not milk.
Scientists have identified an unexpected motion in distant galaxy clusters using data from the Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe. The bizarre movement may be caused by the gravitational pull of some matter that lies beyond the observable universe. Either that or they’re seeing an old episode of Star Trek.
• The Very Worst
More than 50,000 children have been sickened–and 13,000 of them hospitalized–due to tainted milk products in China. This is one of those times where it’s okay that the Communist government believes in executing corporate miscreants.
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, the federal government took over Washington Mutual and sold its corpse to JP Morgan for parts.
Eleven people, including the gunman, were killed in a college shooting in Finland. No, not the United States. Finland. Who knew they even had guns?
VBVW for September 19, 2008: Nonstop Train Wrecks
• The Very Best
In the aftermath of the fatal train crash in Los Angeles, transportation officials are proposing a ban on the use of cell phones by engineers. Now if they would only ban the use of cell phones by obnoxious passengers.
Rwanda is set to become the first country in the world where women will outnumber men in parliament. The hope is that they can do a better job than their male counterparts, who allowed the genocide of 800,000 Rwandans in 100 days back in 1994.
Top McCain aide and disgraced former Hewlett-Packard CEOCarly Fiorina stated that neither Senator McCain nor Governor Palin were qualified to run a business. She’s right, but her words take on additional poignancy when you consider that Fiorina couldn’t run a company, either.
• The Very Worst
Congratulations. As part of the U.S. government’s $85 billion taxpayer bailout of AIG, you are now the owner of the world’s largest insurance company. Try not to mess it up.
Holy potty-mouth, Batman. When a “printing error” left some bad words — and some very bad words — in the dialogue balloons of characters from All-Star Batman #10, publishers DC comics tried to pull the edition before it hit the newsstands. They’d have better luck using their Bat De-fucker-upper.
Suspicions that a soccer player was using witchcraft during a match in eastern Congo sparked a riot that killed 13 people, most whom were children between the ages of 11 and 16. The victims were crushed as panicked crowds ran for the exits. None of this would have happened during a Quidditch match.
VBVW for September 12, 2008: Bangin’ Away
• The Very Best
The Big Bang particle smasher (known by science as the Large Hadron Collider) has completed its first real test. The world did not get sucked into a black hole, much to the chagrin of Creationists, and the rest of us may learn what a black hole really is.
Jury selection began this week for the robbery and kidnapping trial of OJ Simpson. OJ, shown here estimating the size of his hubris, may face life in prison if found guilty on all charges. Prosecutors are just hoping Johnnie Cochrane stays dead.
Darius Rucker has become the first black man since the days of Charley Pride to top the country music charts. When he was fronting Hootie & The Blowfish, Rucker was the whitest black man to top the rock music charts.
• The Very Worst
When you read that the government has “bailed out” Fannie May and Freddie Mac, it means that taxpayers, many of whom were bankrupted and foreclosed upon due to the usurious lending practices of Fannie and Freddie, will now pay many billions of dollars to keep the two in business.
A 22-year-old calling herself Natalie Dylan is auctioning off her virginity to finance her education in Women’s Studies and Family Counseling. Dylan says she lives in a capitalist society and is capitalizing on her virginity. Whatever her rationale, we don’t think a prostitute should be counseling anybody’s family.
With more than 27,000 machinists on strike from Boeing, the world’s top-selling maker of airplanes, the U.S. economy will take another blow as it loses business to global trade. Gee, and the economy had been on such an upswing.
VBVW for September 5, 2008: Victory Laps
• The Very Best
Four more years! That’s the rallying cry in Republican circles this week, only it was heard at the courthouse rather than at the convention. Lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who defrauded Indian tribes and traded gifts for political favors, has been given a four-year sentence on charges of conspiracy, mail fraud, and tax evasion.
Gustav spared New Orleans, three years to the day after the city was devastated by Katrina. Heckuva job, somebody.
Neuroscientists have for the first time seen how the brain retrieves memories, which may provide a new avenue for curing Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. Researchers observed that the same brain neurons activated in a first-time experience are fired again when…wait, what was I saying?
• The Very Worst
Hurricane Ike is making up for Hurricane Gustav’s lackluster death toll. More than 90 Haitians have been killed by floods and landslides. Hanna and Josephine are not far behind.
A Cleveland landlord prevailed in court to be allowed to collect rent from his tenants in gold. So if they don’t pay, do they get thrown in gaol and flogged in the public square?
Actress Mackenzie Phillips, who was kicked off of “One Day At A Time” for drug use nearly 30 years ago, has been busted for possession of cocaine, heroin, and a hypodermic needle — in an airport. Let’s see Schneider fix this one.