VBVW for November 28, 2008: Thanks Be To . . . Whom?
• The Very Best
The Vatican has forgiven John Lennon for his 1966 comment that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Maybe in another 42 years we can forgive the Church for molesting all those altar boys.
Lori Drew was convicted on misdemeanor charges stemming from the suicide death of 13-year old Megan Meier. Drew set up a MySpace account under the auspices of a popular boy and then bullied Meier in a series of emailed beatdowns. Drew may only get three years in prison, but hopefully someone can figure out how to give this vile Internet predator an online death sentence.
Conservative banshee Ann Coulter reportedly had her jaw wired shut after breaking it in a fall. This means two things: 1) Coulter’s clown act will be off the airwaves for a few weeks, and 2) maybe there is a God.
• The Very Worst
More than 160 people have been killed in terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India. That global war on terror doesn’t seem to be gaining any ground no matter where you live.
Police in Afghanistan arrested 10 men after an acid attack on schoolgirls. The men are Taliban insurgents who sprayed the acid in the girls’ faces, apparently in outrage after learning that the girls were attending school. And George W. Bush thought he could reason with these people?
A British man was jailed for raping his two daughters over 27 years. The two daughters were impregnated 19 times resulting in nine births, five miscarriages and five terminations. Seven of the children lived but have severe genetic deformities. Okay, we take back our comment in Number 3, above: maybe there is no God.
VBVW for November 21, 2008: Flying Low
• The Very Best
In Spain, the first successful tracheal transplantation was performed using tissue created from the patient’s own stem cells. We believe that the irony of this amazing event is completely lost on George W. Bush as he starts packing his bags.
Convicted senator Ted Stevens loses his bid for re-election. Maybe now Alaska can build a bridge to somewhere — like the rest of the USA.
Oil prices dropped below $50 a barrel. Happy days are hardly here again, but at least you can afford to drive to the mall even if you can’t afford to shop there.
• The Very Worst
Somali pirates hijacked the Arab oil tanker MV Sirius Star off the coast of the Horn of Africa. The two million-barrel ship is the largest to be taken over by the increasingly bold pirates, who are starting to give Blackbeard, Jean LaFitte, and Johnny Depp a bad name.
The Dow Jones average tumbled below 8,000. For the stock market, that’s a tumble. For everyone else, it’s a push into the abyss.
After flying to Washington DC on three separate private jets, the CEOs of Ford, Plymouth and General Motors asked for a bailout to save them from possible bankruptcy. Suggestion: maybe the Big Three should work on what they’re most familiar with and make planes for consumers instead of crappy cars.
VBVW for November 14, 2008: The Reich Stuff
• The Very Best
For the first time, four planets have been identified outside our solar system using actual digital images. At least now we know there’s a place to go when we’ve finished screwing up this world.
Finland rated the DVD release of family-friendly TV series “Little House on the Prairie” suitable for adult viewing only. Universal Pictures decided it didn’t want to pay the per-minute fee that Finnish authorities charge for rating DVDs, so now it can only sell “Little House” with a sticker saying “banned for under-18s.” We think in all fairness that it should be banned for all age groups.
German officials are charging John Demjanjuk, 88, with the murder of 29,000 Jews at a Nazi camp in Poland. Never too late to try one of those concentration camp guards.
• The Very Worst
Speaking of the über race, Republican congressman Paul Broun of Georgia has compared Obama’s plan for a civilian force to “exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany.” It’s amazing that Broun was able to spot the similarities between Obama and Hitler that the rest of the world missed.
Fighting erupted between Greek Orthodox and Armenian monks who showed up at the same time at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, the traditional site of Christ’s crucifixion. Amid all the punching and subsequent arrests, no one thought to ask “What would Jesus do?”
Steven Lipski, a city councilman from New Jersey, was arrested for urinating off the balcony of a Washington nightclub — and onto the heads of fellow concertgoers below. In Lipski’s defense, the show featured a Grateful Dead cover band so there was already crap coming off the stage.
VBVW for November 7, 2008: Post-Partum Recession
• The Very Best
Barack Obama is elected the 44th President of the United States. ‘Nuff said.
John McCain delivered an exceptionally gracious concession speech, reminding Americans of what a good man he is — just in time for it not to matter.
You think Obama’s young? Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck was crowned the new monarch of Butan. The 28-year old is the world’s youngest monarch, making him also the world’s most eligible bachelor by a factor of too many numbers to count.
• The Very Worst
California votes to ban same-sex marriages. The Left Coast is now officially about as progressive as a clan of first generation Amish farmers.
New York wants to rename the fabled Triborough Bridge after Robert F. Kennedy. Given that the state faces a budget shortfall estimated to be in the billions, maybe they can leave well enough alone for now. Plus, the Triborough takes longer to cross than the total amount of time RFK lived in NY.
A dirtbag paparazzo named Alison Silva tried to sue Keanu Reaves for $700,000, claiming Neo had hit him with his car. The trial revealed that Silva went to the hospital with an old injury, leaving the jury to wonder whether the defendant or the plaintiff was the worse actor.