vbvw

Hit You Where You Live

VBVW — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 18:04:40 +0000

VBVW for July 4, 2008: Hit You Where You Live

• The Very Best

Fifteen hostages held by Columbian guerillas were saved in a daring rescue. French-Colombian politician Ingrid Betancourt and three Americans were among those flown to safety when captors thought they were being helicoptered to a meeting with rebel leader Alfonso Cano. Suckers!

The ball Barry Bonds hit to break the home run record was donated to the Baseball Hall of Fame, but not before its donor marked it with an asterisk to remind history of Bonds’ steroid controversy. Bonds called donor Marc Ecko “an idiot.” We call Bonds busted.

Gender-swapper Thomas Beatie, who began life as a woman, has given birth to a healthy child. The baby is a girl but can always get a penis later.

• The Very Worst

Anyone hoping to see gas drop below $4 again in their lifetime hasn’t been paying attention. While American politicians dither over whether or not we should be drilling for our own oil, OPEC told the U.S. to get ready for the price of oil to reach $170 a barrel by the end of the year. It’s currently at $145 a barrel.

Consumption of tofu, a soy-based staple of the super-healthy, may contribute to dementia in people past middle-age. Finding tofu flavorful or filling is already seen as an indication of mental lapse.

A district court judge in New York ruled that YouTube must divulge user data showing the viewing habits of every user who has ever viewed a vid on the site. If they’re looking at our data, we swear somebody else has been using our computer.

Time Heals, Though Not Really

VBVW — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:30:33 +0000

VBVW for June 27, 2008: Time Heals, Though Not Really

• The Very Best

Kids will have to walk farther to school as districts cut back on bus service due to the high cost of fuel. At first this seems like a Very Worst, but it’s really a win win: burn less gasoline, and at the same time get the little tykes to burn off some of that mounting childhood obesity.

The Phoenix Mars Lander has sampled Martian soil, and NASA scientists believe it contains the nutrients to support life. A spokesman said, “You may even be able to grow asparagus in it really well.” Way to dream big, space nerd.

After 33 years, Bill Gates is stepping away from Microsoft to dedicate his time to charitable causes. Now, is this a Very Best because his reign is ended or because he’s now a full-on philanthropist? C’mon, don’t be so cynical.

• The Very Worst

The U.S. Supreme Court overturned a ruling to have Exxon pay 2.5 billion in punitive damages for the Valdez disaster. It takes Exxon less than two days to make $2.5 billion in revenue (no joke). But 19 years after the spill, fisheries are still recovering.

George Carlin died. Everyone has eulogized him as the man who created “The Seven Words You Can’t Say On TV.” More importantly, he said “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” How right he was.

Hollywood cutie Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend defrauded his way into millions of dollars by claiming he was the CFO for the Vatican . . . and no one bothered to check. Holy Mother of God, how come we never thought of that one?

The Rain In Plains

VBVW — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:49:18 +0000

VBVW for June 20, 2008: The Rain In Plains

• The Very Best

Two former managers at Bear Stearns have been arrested for securities fraud. Ralph Cioffi and Matthew Tannin are the first Wall Streeters to get busted for taking part in the subprime mortgage crisis, and we can only hope they lose their freedom–as well as their homes–as part of their eventual punishment.

Same-sex couples rushed from their home states to wed in California. The Golden State is reaping the awards from hosting gay and lesbian weddings and parties. The big numbers will really kick in when the divorce lawyers start getting a piece of the action.

Americans in some states are crossing into Mexico to get government-subsidized cheap gas, at a price about 90 cents a gallon less than in the U.S. Now the Mexican government is getting a taste for how it feels to have people sneaking over the border without visas.

• The Very Worst

A foot of rain has been dumped on the Midwest this month, collapsing levees, shutting down factories, and destroying farmland. Some have suggested the flooding is fundamentally a human error caused by re-engineering landscapes without regard to nature’s design. Of course, the people who made those suggestions are now underwater.

President Bush is exploiting record oil prices with a last-ditch attempt to lift a decades-old ban on domestic drilling. Guess who stands to make billions of dollars from this plan? Just a few small businesses that go by the names ExxonMobil, Chevron, BP . . .

Rocco Mediate played 91 holes of some of the greatest golf in history, and certainly the greatest game he will ever play. The only downside to his remarkable round was his opponent: Tiger Woods, who beat Rocco even with a fractured leg. That had to be a tough one to swallow.